The Vagenda

A Boring Article About Company Magazine

We found this picture in an article called “How to entertain bored women.”

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Company magazine is now so boring that this is probably the last time that we are going to review it. Ta.

So. Company. In our experience, Company magazine has been one of the leading proponents of anti-feminist bullshit in recent years, which is why we stopped reading. Since then, they seem to have undergone a massive rebranding- reverting to handbag size, switching to non-glossy paper and becoming, well, DEEPLY TEDIOUS.
The interesting thing about the rebranding is that the editorial team seem to have acknowledged the imminent, inevitable demise of print media in favour of the internet, and have attempted to adapt accordingly. The totally uninteresting thing about the rebranding is that they have transformed their magazine into what appears to be a good time gal’s pocket sized guide to the internet.

This means that what used to be pretty standard women’s magazine writing is now peppered with twitter speak (#amaze!) Probably because the internet is like, totally the future and cutting edge-unlike Company, which is boring.

Of course, Company still commits some relatively standard women’s magazine ‘sins’ (Morphing ‘shoe’ and ‘universe’ to create ‘shoeniverse’; encouraging readers to adopt a post-colonial ‘tribal’ look), but it’s all smushed together with inane lexical choice, such as “O.M.Geeee!” “If you want to LOL instead” and “#lazyweknow.” Company are in fact all over this hashtag business, with a whole section called #trending (this is not the same thing as their other feature ‘Trends with Benefits”, which is not to be confused with “Trends ON Benefits”- a new Vagenda feature in the pipeline.) and a letters page of inane tweets. It’s just really, really, REALLY fucking boring.

On page 44, one of their journalists goes gonzo and boringly gets the 149 bus to Dalston (You’re not in Kansas anymore, kid.) Alexa Chung said it was the most fashionable place in the world (boring) and so, one intrepid reporter goes out and takes pictures of lots of London girls looking like the London girls you see everywhere, all the time. While we appreciate that Company seems set on applauding ‘real women’ for their fashion sense, this is undermined by the….sorry, I was just too bored to continue.

Later on, we have an interview with Manic Pixie Dreamgirl Zooey Deschanel. It’s pretty, um, boring, except at one point when she says: “I would go shopping for vintage clothes, and I once bought this really pretty, but giant, 1950s pink prom dress. I was wearing this with a tiara in my bedroom, at my computer, dressed like a princess just to do my homework.”
As a way of finding out whether or not this is standard behaviour for a fifteen year old girl, we did a quick poll of the Vagenda Team. The question was: “What were you doing when you were fifteen?” The response? “Not that.” Most of us seemed to have grown out of our Cinderella complexes by then and were busy ingesting a cocktail of drugs, cigarettes, Lambrini, heavy petting and the writings of Sylvia Plath, but not quirky Pwincessy Zooey, apparently.

I’m going to skip over Company columnists Jameela and David because, quite honestly, I haven’t been that bored since I worked at Londis, aged sixteen (It was so boring that one day I just forgot I had a job and didn’t remember until two months later. I rang them up but they didn’t want to know, surprisingly.)

THEN we have the aptly named “Generation Company” feature, for which every month they profile a boring young couple in a ‘serious’ relationship. Charlie says:

“Mum still does my washing and makes my bed. I don’t have an issue with it but I can see it must be intimidating for Parisa [his unfortunate girlfriend] if she’s living in the house.”

Wow. Can I just put it out there that I’d rather have another pap smear than sleep with this man. When confronted with his penis, a glass speculum is preferable.
Parisa, to do her credit, seems pretty bummed about the whole situation. Who wouldn’t be? Can’t imagine Charlie’s mum’s life is a bed of roses either.

Frankly, Company magazine has become tedious. It’s all very geared towards “Generation Innovation” as they call it- “the growing number of switched-on young women using blogs and social networking sites to advance their careers”. Oh, wait, so that’s us, right? They then have a bit about “building brand you”- a concept which so perfectly encapsulates the evil of advanced capitalism that it nearly swallowed us into a Thatcherite vortex in the time-space continuum.

So basically, everything in Company magazine is now about Twitter. When it’s not about Twitter, it’s about the stuff they heart (basically, shit they think you should be doing.) So, to save ourselves from the suicide that would inevitably result if we carried on reading, we will sign off with this. Congratulations, readers, on getting this far.

“Panel Pants”
‘Wicked’ bum bags
Breaking off your engagement
Becoming an Avon lady
Making your own lip balm
Watching darts
Working for them for free
Joining their book group
Blogging with your boyfriend
Going ‘tribal’
Wearing a yellow that looks suspiciously like Grazia yellow (WE TOLD YOU IT WAS A CONSPIRACY)

One thought on “A Boring Article About Company Magazine

  1. HA have only just got round to reading this but seriously, it sums up how I feel about Company. Pointless publication, and with a tendency to stereotype feminism too.