The Vagenda

Ask Nadine Dorries

(As completely imagined by us)

Dear Nadine,

Is it ever really OK to have sex with a man?

Confused, 18, Wiltshire

It is my feeling that the old maxim “If you want closure in your relationship, start with your legs” comes into play here. Because the short answer to your question, my dear, is no. It is never really OK to have sex with a man. Despite this, I am sad to say that many still do (as you probably know thanks to the shamefully explicit state-funded sex education classes that you have been exposed to from a young age at your Secondary Modern), and it is my opinion that ‘that kind of woman’ is not taking her duties seriously enough. The feminine qualities of chastity and abstinence are values that should be upheld in any civilised society, and it is the moral duty of the female to keep her legs shut. It is your responsibility to put the brakes on when you are in an intimate scenario with a man. Men cannot be trusted to do so themselves, and it is our role as women to deprive these feeble minded yet predatory creatures of what they want the most: poon. 

Try not to worry if, in a moment of weakness, you find yourself enjoying the feeling of his hands caressing your body: we women are meek creatures vulnerable to the sins of the flesh (and you can always repent with a spot of self-flagellation later) Just be ready, when it looks like penetration may occur, to put a very firm stop to it. A good way of doing this is to imagine that you don’t have a vagina, or indeed any kind of orifice. Close your eyes and visualise your navel as though it is as smooth and plasticky as a that of a child’s doll (the doll of the bastard child you will conceive if you succumb to a man’s sexual advances) Then take a deep breath, remove your hand from his penis, and put your knickers back on.

Once you have mastered the technique of abstinence it will serve you well for the rest of your life. Just think about all those drinks that you will never have to pay for! Of course, manywill try and conquer you, for the allure of purity is one of the greatest known to man. But stick to your guns. Forget oestrogen- abstinence is the best contraceptive (if you do get into ‘difficulties’ I have the numbers of several Christian fundamentalist organisations who can give you impartial and confidential abortion advice) Failing that, a cheeky finger never hurt anyone. Lots of love,


Next week: Louise Mensch gives one reader wifely seduction tips, and explains what the fuck she’s playing at.

* As imagined by the Vagenda Team

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