The Vagenda

FYI: Grazia now owns the colour yellow

You heard it here first, people who couldn’t give a fuck about Grazia. Yes, that’s right, Grazia now owns the colour yellow. But before I get to that I’ll try and keep my lips closed firmly against the ever-swirling tide of vomit whirling around my mouth for long enough to give you a roundup of what else is going on in the Grazi Party.

If you read last week’s issue of Grazia (I’m so terribly sorry for your loss) then you’ll know that they are currently busy painting Demi Moore as a tragic human being. However, Demi didn’t do anything that tragic this week so they’ve honed in on her young daughters instead. Basically they end up vaguely accusing Moore of fucking her daughters up by being addicted to prescription drugs, although they don’t actually say that, a HOLLYWOOD SOURCE does. They just imply it. Anyway, it’s pretty tedious and deeply tasteless.

In other celeb news (snoozeathon) Russell Brand is apparently after that popular proponent of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope, Zooey Deschanel. May the manic pixie dream girl and boy (for that is was he is) skip off happily into the sunset, for all I care. Oh, yeah, and they have renamed Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge “K-Middy’ (I’m no royalist, but a tad overfamilar, no?)

Next up is “Do you have to put a man first to make a marriage actually work?” which is all fairly magazine-feminism-by-numbers. Basically Gwyneth Paltrow said something a bit tactless about needing to be a good wife to Chris Martin and a load of women who don’t have time to cook their husbands dinner got a bit pissed off. I’m on board with some of it, or I would be if it wasn’t so pointless. Plus on page 121 they have Gwyneth Paltrow’s “doctor” talking about the “exhaustion epidemic” (next to a picture of a fresh faced model) and this is said:

“Dr Lipman recently featured in one of Gwyneth’s Goop newsletters, after the actress complained of feeling rundown”

“She’s really healthy, but even Gwyneth feels exhausted at times” says Dr Lipman.

Maybe because she has to get her husband’s dinner on the table before he comes home every night, hm?

“A typical victim is puffy-eyed, ageing fast and bloated.”

Moving on past the standard Brangelina Boredom and a 500ish word token article about Syria, skipping past J-Lo’s remarrying habit, and we get to the terrifying: HELLO…GRAZIA YELLOW

Yes, that’s right. Grazia have co-opted the colour yellow. In collaboration with Pantone, who are also responsible for the colours spunk, baby poo and stomach bile, Grazia have been given their very own colour yellow. Which looks a lot like normal yellow, but then that’s what Grazism’s all about, isn’t it? Maybe they feel they need more lebensraum as far as the spectrum’s concerned (colour, not autistic) Either way, coincidentally loads of celebs have been wearing that same colour yellow and it’s all thanks to them.

I was reading this on a bus and when I looked up I realised that the TFL bus colour scheme using pretty hefty amounts of Grazia yellow, too. COINCIDENCE? There seems to be a Grazist conspiracy afoot. Are Transport for London doing something about this? Ken, once you’re elected, could you please spend less time talking about how the Tory party is riddled with homosexuals (surely it’s the other way around, no?) and investigate this conspiracy. Or maybe I’m just being paranoid, which, according to Grazia last week, is THE NEW DEPRESSION.

Then we have a pretty well-meaning article about the Miss Representation documentary. The headline reads “WHY ARE WOMEN SEEN AS A DITZ OR A BITCH?” again, nothing to moan about and pretty feminism-by-numbers except for the fact that the magazine go and undermine their whole fucking point on page 76 with “CAREER SUCCESS is all about BEING SELFISH- you just need to learn how to do it without being branded the OFFICE BITCH.” I could make a pretty comprehensive list of all the women Grazia regularly put in the “ditz” or “bitch” category, but frankly I can’t be arsed and will probably just ask my GP (Hi Janet!) to up my medication.

I’ll finish off with something that actually made me laugh out loud on the tube. It’s from an article called “Mind your Exiquette.” See picture.

A hideous betrayal? Really? Surely screwing someone else is waaaaay worse. And who is this mythological boyfriend who gives a fuck about curtains? Do you know many men who would seek advice on this topic? And if they did, would you be interested if they came to you? Because if my boyfriend asked me for advice on this topic I would invite his ex round to dinner if it meant I didn’t have to talk about it. And what makes you think that she gives a shit about curtains, either?


8 thoughts on “FYI: Grazia now owns the colour yellow

  1. See, I have less of a problem with Gwyneth’s nice wifey plan to have dinner on the table for her man (something I take pleasure in myself just as a nice thing to do for someone) but I hate the fact that Grazia is making us weaponise this as a ‘THE MAN IS EXHAUSTING HIS WOMAN AND SHE IS BETRAYING THE SISTERHOOD’ argument. Maybe she just likes cooking.

  2. Don’t you think women would benefit from a dismissal of these obviously ridiculous magazines and a focus on other more worthwhile journalism? It seems a little lazy to constantly bash others when you provide no alternative. Also. Women bashing seems paradoxical to your will to empower. You are making fools of Grazia readers when you should be celebrating women.

    I find it unfortunate that you must resort to Grazia for all of your content. For all the “if you read Grazia last week, vom in my mouth” quotes it seems you pore over it with a magnifying glass. If that’s not equally hypocritical and lazy I’m not sure what is.


  3. Interesting take Bertie. I agree women would benefit from a ‘dismissal of these obviously ridiculous magazines’, but since the readership figures are so high for this rubbish, in the meantime it may be worth pointing out that they’re peddling actively damaging ideals? Perhaps they’re not obviously ridiculous to everyone, or perhaps people read them under the pretence of ‘guilty pleasure’ without realising the full extent of how a bombardment of such crass generalisations really affect the way people think?

    To be fair to the Vagenda, they do seem to be offering an alternative by subverting this and offering a different point of view. It doesn’t strike me they’re trying to make fools of Grazia readers, meerly pointing out that womens magazines may offer people a little more than they currently do.

    Finally, your point about women bashing being paradoxical to a will to empower is patently absurd. It’s an attack on ideas, regardless of who peddles them. Or perhaps more women should have voted for Thatcher given she was a women, despite the fact she was actively trying to set the womens movement back a couple of decades? Please excuse the lazy analogy.

  4. To clarify, the ‘women-bashing’ refers to ridiculing the women who read Grazia, not the ones who write it. I am equally appalled by Paula Reed. It seems unfair to imply as you have previously mentioned that such a huge readership are either a) unable to understand how offensive these magazines are, or b) fit the representation presented by them.

  5. In reply to your second point, I think it would be hard to get anybody to admit to enjoying Grazia after reading this, in fact it would be actively humiliating. I simply think it would be more pro-active to react with journalism which includes women rather than excluding them from the few publications they are forced to pick from at the moment.

    I edit and independently publish a small magazine aimed at young women which provides a platform for writers away from the staid and offensive media environment. It is a very small step in what I believe to be the right direction.

    I believe we are inherently on the same page. Pun intended.