The Vagenda

Road Testing Cosmo’s Sex Tips


Via Darren Barefoot

One of our editorial team tried them at home so you don’t have to. 
Want to make him flush hot and cold with pleasure? Fill your mouth with cold water when you’re giving him a blowjob! The mixture of temperatures will drive him wild!
As soon as I closed my lips around his loveshaft, he shrank. “I don’t understand why you’re surprised,” he muttered as I sat there fuming, cheeks hamster-like with Evian. “It’s not like you’ve never seen me get out of a bath into the cold air.” By way of repartee, I had him hump the hot water bottle to the sight and sound of me choking and wheezing after water went down the wrong hole for quarter of an hour.
Fufill you man’s fantasies of a ‘private party’ at Stringfellow’s by giving him a sexy lapdance. Put on a g-string and a smile, but tell him there’s a hands-off rule. It’ll drive him wild!
I took a lot of ballet lessons when I was younger so I was more than prepared for this one. In the darkened room, he seemed transfixed on my slow gyrations and graceful struggles to unbutton my cardigan. When I got close enough to rub my cleft on his kneecap, though, I caught the tight, miserable expression on his face. I stopped the music and asked him what the matter was.
He suddenly burst that watching me dance made him realise that strippers could be any woman down on her luck, or even just needing to pay her top-up fees, and how it was unfair, and how the patriarchy was awful, and how he hoped I would never feel I had to turn to sex work for monetary support.
We ended up roleplaying kindly policeman and exhausted pole-dancer after a raid on her establishment, and he cried the whole way through sex.
Instead of splashing out on a bottle of Miss Dior, dab some of your own juices behind your ears. Those fluids are full of phizzling pheromones that turn your man on – it’s guaranteed to drive him wild!
This felt a bit sordid but you can’t argue with science. A quick fingering followed by a quicker poke behind the earlobe and I was ready to meet him for dinner. “Do you like my new perfume?” I breathed as he leaned in for a kiss.
He hesitated. “It’s – new? Is it – uh –”
I was thrown off by his lack of being driven wild and panicked. “Not too fishy, is it? Yeasty? Anything like that?”
He looked even more perplexed. “No, why would you rub yourself up with sourdough bread? No, it’s… I don’t know… fine, I guess…Sort of…tangy?”
I left the citrus fruits in my fruit salad.
When we got home, he still hadn’t been driven wild, but I did catch him in the bathroom when he was supposed to be brushing his teeth, suspiciously sniffing my shampoo, conditioner, cleanser and face cream one by one.
Want to make oral sex a sweet treat for him? Mashed banana or peaches inside your vajayjay is a great way to tempt him downstairs for dessert! It’ll drive him wild!
I was instantly filled with guilt after I read this tip – was oral sex a massive chore for him? Would he rather I came in a variety of Skittles flavours? (And also had inflatable marshmallow boobs?) I would haveto try this out and then cry about my vile tasting (but sexy and pheromone filled?) fluids afterwards.
Peaches were freakin’ expensive so we opted for some pretty ripe bananas instead. Even so, they weren’t so easy to mash.
“Some of the, er, fibres, have gotten caught up between your labia, is that ok?”
“It feels sort of like a disintegrating Poundland dildo. Can you mush it a bit more?”
“How much banana are we supposed to use? I don’t want to leave you airtight with fruit.”
“Do you think the women at Cosmo actually have vaginas?” my boyfriend asked, later that night, but I was too busy biting down on my knuckles to keep myself from scratching at the hideous case of thrush I’d developed to reply.



2 thoughts on “Road Testing Cosmo’s Sex Tips

  1. “Instead of splashing out on a bottle of Miss Dior, dab some of your own juices behind your ears. Those fluids are full of phizzling pheromones that turn your man on – it’s guaranteed to drive him wild!”

    This is epic. I would definitely do this. Canberra escorts