The Vagenda

Trends on Benefits


In these uncertain economic times, being beautiful is as important as ever. After all, how else can you expect to get that high-profile fashion job you’ve been lusting after? Not through things like TALENT or EXPERIENCE, that’s for sure! It’s so important that, during your time on benefits, you stay fresh faced and peachy keen. So you only get £53 a week in dole money- SO WHAT? So unemployment is at an all year high- SO WHAT? So you’ll never meet a rich man to marry at the jobcentre- SO WHAT? There are no excuses for being a slattern, and no crisis is big enough to warrant neglecting your appearance, which is why we’ve provided you with these handy tips to keep you in the (euro) zone.
MASCARA- That’s right girls: one coat only of mascara suffices- NO MORE DOUBLE DIP. Dip the wand once, and once only, into the pot and apply. You may not look as doe eyed as you once did, but it’ll make your make-up last longer. Unless, of course, you’re waking up every morning and bursting into floods of tears because of the sheer hopelessness of your economic situation, nay, existence. In that case, MAN UP and shoplift some waterproof mascara from one of the pound shops in Brixton (Jail is warmer than your house, probs.)
FOUNDATION- So you’ve gone from “It Bag” to “Shit Bag”. Poverty can make you come out in a rash, so it’s important to look after your skin. If you mix your foundation with moisturiser, not only will it last longer but it will also give you a glowing complexion. Just be careful not to touch anyone in the dole office because you may get ringworm. Highly contagious and not.attractive.
TOOTHPASTE ETC- A necessity, but an expensive one. If you have a boyfriend or a flatmate, just use theirs, ensuring that you never have to buy it again. Do the same with make-up (flatmate) and razors (boyfriend) and you’re pretty much halfway to almost being your normal self again (you will never fully claw yourself back from this). For toilet paper, old receipts from when you were an actual member of society and not the scrounging dole monkey that you now are work perfectly well, as do old copies of the Mail calling you a shitsack waste of space.
SLEEP- You won’t get any, because you’ll be tossing and turning all night in the anxiety that you may never raise your head above the poverty line again, to happily breathe in the fresh, wonderful air of being mainstream. As a result, half the time you will look like a haggard old crone, but remember, no matter how bad things seem, you will be needing your beauty sleep if you ever want THAT GUY who’s interviewing to take you seriously. 10mg of Temazepam should do the trick. OK, it’s a highly addictive benzodiazepam which sends you into a deep, dreamless sleep from which you could never emerge, but come on, it’s not like you have to get out of bed in the morning, is it?
EXERCISE- Thanks to Boris Johnson’s ruthless fare campaign (NB the world stops outside the M25), you probably can’t afford to get the bus to the jobcentre anyways, necessitating a walk through the pouring rain to the jobcentre while the vomit resulting from last night’s two-for-a-fiver-on-Italian-wine binge festers in your stomach like magi mixed pancake batter. But on the plus side, your calves will be TO DIE FOR.
You won’t be able to, so don’t.

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