36% of blokes prefer brown bread to white, and other valuable tidbits from this week’s More! magazine
‘HOORAY, it’s more! magazine!’ I hear you cry. There’s a girl in underwear on the cover, an imperative across a hot pink background to ‘GET SEXY NOW!’ and a tagline under the half-naked girl that rather minimalistically proclaims ‘BRA.’ Maybe you bought it because the same cover promised to reveal ‘what makes men cheat’ (subtext: you weren’t good enough.) Maybe you bought it because of a complicated masochistic ritual involving mental self-flagellation. Maybe you bought it because it looked like a magazine rather than a self esteem killing machine. And maybe you didn’t even buy it at all. But whether you indulged in actually giving someone money for more! magazine or not, now that you’re here, just like an American Apparel underwear model, you’re basically going to see what’s inside it.
First of all, more! is following in its slightly (ever so slightly) more upmarket sister Grazia’s footsteps by presenting Katy Perry as a nutcase who just won’t accept the divorce that her husband Russell Brand so coolly demanded. ‘Katy is determined to get him back,’ simpers ‘a source.’ ‘She’ll do anything it takes.’ Poor, hysterical Katy, eh? Why won’t she just GET IN THE KITCHEN? It’s not like she’ll be able to hold a demanding career down or handle her own bank account or leave the house unattended when she’s such a ridiculous, hysterical mess. Get a grip, Katy. And by the way, all the ‘close friends’ of yours that get quoted in these magazines are clearly total dicks.
More! continues its sympathetic evaluation of celebrity women by claiming that Jennifer Lopez is ‘feeling the strain as her busy life gets too much for her’ (direct verbatim quote.) Again, it’s ‘friends’ of J-Lo (and of course, a ‘source’!) who have lent their comments to this article, which promises information as accurate as if Barack Obama wrote my biography. More! identifies the biggest stressor in J-Lo’s life as ‘trying to keep her toyboy’, and reports that J-Lo ‘loves’ mink eyelash extensions to stave off the inevitable effects of ageing. Yes, mink eyelashes, which will only cost you £350 a pair and YOUR SOUL.
To really and finally hammer home how totally stressed out La Lopez is by making herself beautiful for a younger man, more! also offers a picture of her crying while on the phone to her young daughter. This photograph shows a blurry and obscured Jennifer Lopez behind the slats of a hotel balcony, attempting to cover her face – all those tears over a toyboy and none to shed over the bottom-feeding journalists listening to her calls and zooming in on her private moments, eh? One is definitely left feeling that J-Lo, like Katy Perry, just needs to get a grip.
But hang on. Just when you realised what insipid fools the female population comprises, you get a break from their whingeing and whining with – MAN FACTS! ‘Wrap your head around these vital statistics’, says the tagline, which births one of the most ridiculously abstract mental images of any tagline ever. ‘8% of guys are worried about getting wrinkles as they age’, more! reports, courtesy of a Nanogen survey – and luckily it’ll only be about 8% of women (the number who have never read a women’s magazine?) who don’t fear ageing like the plague after the article on J-Lo’s nervous-breakdown-esque attempts to ‘keep her toyboy’ by not looking disgusting at 40 (impossible.)
Other things that more! actually thinks you wanted to know about men:
11% of ‘blokes’ spend over three hours a day playing games on a smartphone
79% of ‘blokes’ under 25 have seen Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
10% of ‘blokes’ want to complete a 10k run in 2012
and the one that takes the, er, toast…
36% of ‘blokes’ prefer brown bread to white
FUCK YEAH! Now I’m armed with that information, I am ON FIRE. My heart’s beating like a jackhammer with the anticipation of everything I can achieve with this essential knowledge, so my vital statistics must be up – but unluckily, my head is wrapped round them, so I’m in an anatomically difficult way. Go on without me, girls. And when you’ve found your dream man, play it safe and offer him white soldiers with his boiled egg.
Next, it’s ‘Cupid’s love moments’ – where women write in to ask a man how they should conduct their love lives – closely followed by ‘How to make him want you back’ (because you’re just like Katy, right? And once you read the feature on what you did wrong to make him cheat on you, you’ll be all set for trial number two.)
The ‘Cupid on lust’ section recommends that ‘the longest a guy will wait’ to have sex with you after meeting you for the first time is two weeks. Additionally, one woman writes in to say that she hates giving blowjobs, and ‘Cupid’s’ advice is ‘Try licking up and down his shaft or sucking the tip of his penis instead.’ Right, so… give him a blowjob? I remember when Cupid used to have hearts and arrows, man. This new Cupid who tricks you into giving oral is a real letdown.
I’m not actually even going to deconstruct ‘How to make him want you back’, because it’s done all the work for me. Basically, the idea is that there are five easy steps to ‘getting’ someone who dumped you ‘back’, and these are they: [direct quotation, just to remind you]
1. Use your sex appeal. Make him jealous…with some fit bloke attention
2. Get back on the social circuit as soon as possible
3. Show you’re having fun. Make Twitter and Facebook your friends by posting a series of gorgeous photos and fun updates
4. Go for what you really want in life to remind your ex what a catch you are
5. Prove that you’ve changed
There are no words.
But hang on AGAIN. After a lot of fakery, emotional deadening, and social media trawling, you’ve finally got your ex back… and more! is here to tell you ‘WHAT HIS ‘I LOVE YOU’ REALLY MEANS.’ Because it doesn’t mean ‘I love you.’ Fuck, no. My favourite (read: suicide-inducing) part of this article is ‘When he says it… After you have said it’ where it proclaims: ‘No, no, no! This situation should never arise, because you should never utter these words before he does. It’s just not fair on him. It takes a hugely strong man not to say it back to you once you’ve thrown it out there, even if they actually don’t love you.’ Quite. Piggybacking on Cosmo’s assessment that a woman should never propose is the suggestion now from more! that you shouldn’t even be so brazen as to open your mouth and say what you feel before he does it first. Because it’s just unfair.
Next: ‘What would stop you cheating on your girlfriend?’ features a load of men awkwardly answering the most vomit-inducing question of all time. Picked out for a ‘star spot’ is Ben, 22, from Birmingham, who reminds us: ‘As long as I’m getting sexual satisfaction, I’ve got no need to go elsewhere!’ This jollies along nicely with ‘Cupid’s’ suggestion that if you don’t like giving blowjobs, well, you better just give him a fucking blowjob. It’s a battle to stop him cheating, girls, and remember – you’re not going to age well, so use this window of time wisely.
Turns out, anyway, that the window of time is not as transparent as it seems. You’re probably too fat or too pale or too sarcastic or too clever or too frigid or not in the right coloured bodycon dress anyway. Or maybe, like Kate in the make-up pages, you were ‘too scared to date’ because you used ‘barely-there make-up’ – but never fear! More! was here to cover her in a load of slap and proclaim her fixed. What does Kate say about her dating prospects post-slap? ‘I can’t wait to go on the pull now!’ Fantastic!
You’ll be happy to hear that more! ends on a high, with its ‘Pub Dilemma’ question: ‘Would you rather suck a tramp’s toe, or his willy?’ How this presents a genuine dilemma is beyond me, unless the writers have hoped that by this time you’ve been beaten into enough submission that you’ll be all confused and forget there’s a difference. Hell, if you took ‘Cupid’s’ suggestion to give oral rather than give oral seriously a few pages ago, chances are that you might buy this one. And after the results of that dual assault on your psychic processing, you might even buy more! again next week.