What do women want? Octopus sex, it seems.
Laydeez, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever been turned on by?
Female sexuality has always been a bit of a mystery. Not least to us. So we thought we’d ask (anonymously of course) some Vagenda ladies for some of their weirdest erotic experiences. Here’s what they came up with: (tell us yours on Twitter)
“Perhaps it’s because of the ‘Ride a cock horse’ song my mother sang to me as a child, or the ‘Galloping Godiva’ song we learnt at school, or the bit in American Pie when a woman cries ‘Ride me like a pony!’ while Jim tries to say to his parents that he’s watching a bird documentary, that I’ve always felt there was a certain ‘romance’ involved in riding a horse.
Even so, my first (and only) equestrian foray on an Argentinian ranch was a little surprising. The sun was warm on my skin, the grasses aromatic, and a volcano was rearing its smoking head in the distance. It was just as I was trying hard to copy my companions’ gentle rocking motion that I started to need a pee. I started to need a pee immensely badly. The gentle humping bumps against the saddle became a little desperate. A little painful. Sort of agonising but a little bit lovely. And that was when I found myself coming, gradually but unstoppably, until the climax left me hot and limp and glowing all over; oh my god I just came on a horse… I really hope the horse didn’t notice.”
Tsk! Tsk! And everyone wonders why little girls love horses.
“You know when you’re at school, right, and you do French, and you have to listen to those tapes, of people saying things like “Qu’est ce que tu vas a faire cette samedi?” “J’irai au le discotheque.” Didn’t you always find there was some foxy sounding Gallic lady who sounded exactly as if she had the most enormous pillowy lips? Well, yeah, that. The sound of that seriously sexy voice making banal, matter-of-fact statements about her plans for the weekend. I’d sit there, poker straight, colour rising, hoping that nobody else had x-ray vision and could see into my mind. Because really, who else was turned on by that?”
“The music video to Lullaby by The Cure. Even the music alone. I don’t even like The Cure. Then again, is it that surprising? I mean, Robert Smith does straight up slide into a giant vagina in this video.”
“When I was little, I thought that ‘hypnotism’ was a euphemism for sex, and really thought for a while that scenes of hypnotism in movies must be some sort of foreplay. Dunno how I got that idea but it took me SO LONG to realise it wasn’t true!”
An Academic Essay
“Reading literary criticism on the novel Dracula. There was one particular essay which addressed the staking of a female vampire by a group of vengeful vampire hunters. The crisp dissection of the stake as phallus and the tone of clinical detachment as the author spelt out that the staking was just a fierce penetration left the backs of my knees tingling (again – just me?) in a way that the actual novel just didn’t do for me. Twilight junkies, you need to start hassling some academics to critique the hell out of those novels.”
“Have you ever seen the Hokusai print called The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife? Slightly less famous than his Great Wave one but once viewed, never forgotten. Secondly, I would like to be all of the people in this scene. I would like to be the girl feeding monstrosities to a bloke in full view of everyone and largely unperturbed by it, I would like to be a man in such a state of single-minded dominance that I could eat destroy something through appetite, and I would also like to be the octopus. As it’s being eaten, it curls its little tentacles around his hands so pathetically, it’s really writhing.”
“I’m rather embarrassed to say that I used to frequently indulge in princess fantasises. My favourite film at the time was the Princess and The Goblin (nineties euro animated feature which was a commercial and critical failure.) I loved the idea of being rescued by a peasant boy. My fantasies were pretty chintzy would often involve being in some kind of beautifully draped bed in a room at the top of a tower, swathed in chiffon, or in a pink dress on a swing in a rose garden. I think I was actually more turned on by the decor than the prince. In the Princess and the Goblin, Princess Irene wears this bright pink dress and finds her grandma in this secret room. The room is AWESOME and I wanted it so bad. I think subconsciously I was into the idea of princesshood because it meant I would get to boss people around. Now THAT would be a turn-on. I only really abandoned the princess fantasy when I accidentally caught a late night film on ITV sometime in the ’90s where this women in a black mini-dress got a man to kneel down in front of her and then grabs his face and pushes it into her crotch. I was like, wow. That is power. Also, when I was ten they made me be carnival queen and it was so naff that I’m not sure I ever want to wear a wedding dress. Yeuch.”
“Tim Henman. Yeah, I know, he’s a perennial disappointment on the court, but given the little flourish he makes every time he returns the ball, his orgasmic grunts as he does so, and the tight whites he has to sport (!) as part of the job description and you’ve got all the ingredients for an evening in auditioning the finger puppets.”