The Vagenda

Charlene’s Tudortastic Pregnancy Pact

Sick of pencil skirts? Tired of pussy bow blouses? Well rejoice ladies, because Mad Men fashion is over: this season, the age of overwhelming misogyny you’ll be dying to recreate is THE TUDOR TIMES. I’m talking kirtles, girdles, and – for the fashion forward among you – a sturdy gable hood. This is a look for the pears among you: forgiving to the thighs and tough on the waist, it’s time to get crunching and ideally to stop eating – we’re talking heroin chic from back when it was still called opium. Retro! Your girl-crush for this season is Charlene Wittstock, the noughties answer to original It-girl, Katharine of Aragon. Like Katharine, Charlene is stuck in a loveless marriage with a man who bears a striking resemblance to a potato, which is actually super appropriate since Sir Walter Raleigh introduced the potato to England in the sixteenth century. Vintage! 
Like Katharine, who actually bore Henry VIII six children in total, the ‘Vacant’ sign on the door of Charlene’s womb has become an international crisis, and she is – according to the Daily Fail – depressed at her ‘failure to provide her husband with a legitimate heir’. While Katharine’s own ‘failure’ lead to England’s break with the Roman Catholic Church, lucky Charlene’s being given another shot – the DM reports that she’s entered into a ‘pregnancy pact’ to squeeze out a Prince Monaco-Mini-Me, and ‘after that she would be free to leave of her own free will’. Super vintage! This season, the emancipation of women is so over, it’s all about servitude – be it to the crown or just your man. The tears Charlene shed at her wedding, for instance, were the perfect accessory with her Armani dress: clearly channelling Aragon in the Boleyn-era. Of course, when Henry VIII wanted rid of ‘barren’ Katharine he made her the ‘Dowager Princess of Wales’ and installed her in Kimbolton Castle, a move we can see stylishly emulated on multiple occasions by Simon Cowell with Sinitta and her doppelganger successors. It remains to be seen whether fashionista Charlene will continue to follow in her fash-spiration’s footsteps, or if things will get uber-retro and a beheading’s in the offing. We wait with bated breath, and that’s only partly thanks to our corsets.
- Rhian

One thought on “Charlene’s Tudortastic Pregnancy Pact

  1. How odd that no one commented this piece. Perhaps it’s because nothing it states can be argued, or not much can be added to improve it or expand on it in any way. The bitter laughs it produces leave one somewhat powerless when it comes to thinking of something as significant to say. Not that I normally bother much with what members of the out-dated institutions of the world are up to, but the case of poor Charlene did come to my attention (I say “poor”, though presumably she did have the choice to say “no” when someone suggested she marry the man you aptly compared to a potato).

    It’s possibly the worst case of medieval sexism in existence among all the out-dated institutions of the planet, quite simply grotesque and unbelievable. It also boggles the mind to imagine that the potato man has something of a lady’s man reputation and has even fathered several bastards about Europe. On hearing of Charlene’s condition one thing I did ask myself was: Surely this is some form of abuse, emotional and otherwise, and ought to be illegal? Am I stating the obvious? Being unworldly? Naive? Too idealistic? Too literal?