The Vagenda

Venomously Bad Products

This week, I blagged some make-up that belonged to the girl washing her hands and reapplying beside me in the bathroom of a bar. I’d come from work, and I didn’t have any make-up to hand; she offered me hers as we chatted in front of the mirror, and I happily partook in her light brown lip gloss.

As she began to walk away, she turned around and shouted back to me: ‘Don’t worry if your lips start to sting in a bit! It’s this new make of gloss that has snake venom in it – it makes your lips plumper. It’s worth it!’

Ten minutes later, I was furiously wiping the sticky residue off my face with the back of my pint glass as I battled my way back from the bar. Snake venom. I had just put snake venom voluntarily onto the second most important mucous membrane on my body. It more than tingled, and I didn’t give a shit whether my lips appeared marginally larger to anybody paying attention to their size. That there was even a popular market for this product didn’t surprise me, but I wish it had.

Products aimed at women are becoming increasingly self-parodic. It started off with soap that promises to make your vagina whiter (because in between slipping on your seven inch heels and caking another layer over your eye-wateringly expensive mascara while you desperately try to make your skintight dress look good with a pair of Spanx, you might have forgotten that your vagina just isn’t pale enough), and it has apparently extended to make-up with extra bonus poison. But just in case self-improvement with a heavy dose of the bizarre is your thing, I’ve compiled an easy list for your perusal. Google away.

1. The so-famous-now-it’s-almost-normal product that’s become a norm in especially backward/forward-thinking salons, the vajazzle, now incorporates ‘pubic dye’ and tiny little jewels. Best done hairless, with the help of chocolate-flavoured wax (also a real thing. Yes, seriously.)

2. Mints for your vagina – in case it tastes a little bit too much like a woman, ‘internal feminine flavouring’ can solve that

3. Sheep placenta cream – apparently excellent for that pesky evidence that you once expressed emotions in your life, wrinkles

4. Bull semen hair treatment. It’s all protein – why the fuck not?

5. Pads that you put in your pants to stop the possibility of you ever getting camel-toe when walking around in your knickers. Because otherwise a person who sees you in your underwear might guess there’s a pussy in there, and those things are well gross!

Considering that I’ve only just told you about the snake venom and the vagina whitener, I’ll take a breather here for you to rush out and buy these products. But stay tuned: thanks to the incredible imagination of some real woman-loving advertisers out there, there’s always more to come!

3 thoughts on “Venomously Bad Products

  1. I bought some kohl in a Middle Eastern market in Amsterdam and it made my eyes water. Apparently this is the intention as it contains an irritant, someone helpfully explained to me. Why? Is it sexy to have tears running down your cheeks?

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