The Vagenda

Agony Aunting

Dear Misses Lucy
I’ve been working at this PR company (I can’t tell you which one, because of confidentiality, but it’s kind of a big deal. I don’t want to boast, but if I could tell you who I work for, I’m pretty sure you’d be impressed) for a couple of years now and I haven’t had a promotion yet. Which is odd, because I’m really bright and hard working (I know you get lots of questions from flighty females, but I can assure you I am not one of them) but I haven’t been recognised with any form of career progression. Do you have any tips for how to get on in the (unnamed but highly impressive) workplace?
Frustrated, London
Dear Frustrated,
You are keen to tell us that you are not one of those ‘flighty females’, but rather describe yourself as ‘really bright and hardworking’. Firstly, you should forget about being bright and hard-working. No-one cares, especially not your sexually-frustrated male boss. You need to have a long hard look in the mirror (the one you have placed on your desk where other people have their computers is perfect) and ask yourself the following questions: how do you dress? How do you act? Do you flirt with your male bosses enough? You should take every opportunity to flaunt your physical assets because they’re the ones that will get you that promotion. I know, it sounds sexist, but are you really willing to sacrifice your career just because the men you are competing with don’t have boobs? Try shorter skirts, low cut tops and higher heels. Try to put the ASS in ‘assets.’ Giggling, playing with your hair and bending over are also good moves- use every weapon you have, girl! Don’t make jokes or say anything too clever, because everyone knows girls aren’t funny, and men are threatened by intelligence. 
Remember our motto, “you get ahead by giving head!” And once you do get that promotion, play on down on dates. No man wants to hear about your success. 
Mwah! Hugs and kisses from
The Misses Lucy
Dear Misses Lucy
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of years but he just isn’t doing it for me between the sheets anymore. I haven’t had an orgasm (with him) in 18 months and he doesn’t seem to be too bothered! What do you think I should do?
REALLY frustrated, of Wakefield
Dear REALLY frustrated,
My my, what an awful situation you seem to be in. I’m really quite worried you’re not in the right relationship at all, dear. You’ve been having sex with this man, orgasm-free, for 18 months? You tell us ‘he just isn’t doing it for me between the sheets’? You seem to be confused about what a relationship is meant to entail. You’re in bed to please him – it’s not about your orgasm, its about his! If he isn’t having them then that’s really cause for concern. It’s probably your fault – so you should think about why. Did you get fat? Are you just not giving enough? Do you selfishly put other things (work, friends, family) before him? Perhaps your underwear drawer needs a revamp. Buy something really skimpy and red, preferably from Ann Summers,  and maybe that will reignite his desire. Although don’t do that if you got fat. 
Consider spicing up a blowjob by nibbling a pineapple ring off his penis first – not only will this look great for him, there are hardly any calories in one! Remember girls, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! 
Remember our motto: ‘It is better to give than to receive”, and you, my dear, will become a giver.
Good luck!
Lots of kisses from The Misses Lucy

Dear misses LucyMy boyfriend has recently come back from a stag weekend, and is now keen to “spice up our sex life”. He has bought a bottle of champagne, and wants to empty it into me. I am worried about how my insides will cope with all that liquid. Not to mention the bubbles…

Champagne socialist, Hackney

Dear Champagne socialist,Ah, yes – the bubbly douche. You are right to be worried- can any woman take such expensive pleasure? Fret not. Due to the spinal chord ending in your vaginal cavity, a well known SCIENTIFIC fact, the bubbles create a pleasant sensation inside you and he’ll be able to pour away to his heart’s content. (Be sure to practise those vaginal-tightening exercises in preparation- you don’t want to spill!)

My tip would be to lie back (upside down if poss, darling) and let gravity and Moët take you and your boyfriend to fizzy heaven! Don’t worry about all that liquid inside you, just make sure for safety and health reasons (and so that you look nice and slim) that you haven’t eaten all day and the champers will just end up in your stomach. A nice little tipple for you, and a great view for him!

Ciao darling!

The Misses Lucy.