The Vagenda

Just Following Orders: Imperatives From Glamour Magazine

EAT yourself smart
EXPRESS your style
DO denim the Rihanna way
GET your red-carpet rocks on
DON’T fear the F Word (that’s Failure)
BE a force of beauty
MAKE a healthier version
HAVE a healthy holiday
PACK this
STEP up, DON’T melt down
DON’T overbuy
DOWNLOAD Glamour’s fast beauty app NOW!
GET your tan on!
EXFOLIATE from top to toe
STEAL the show
CHOOSE Portuguese
BRING on a jungle fever
ADD a touch of Hawaii chic
FEEL confident…EAT a healthy breakfast
WEAR loose clothing
DON’T be afraid
HAVE an open mind
COLLECT accessories like seashells
GET smooth-hair free legs
MAKE like an A-Lister
FOLLOW the recipes
COMPLEMENT busy prints with simple sandals
MASTER the refined line
DON’T forget about the important little touches
ROCK summer’s hottest evening looks
LIGHT UP your face
TAKE the glow from head to toe
FOCUS on your collarbone
APPLY pale colours
GIVE your bronzer a break
ADD extra glow
GET more beauty for your buck
FILL your bags!
BE a pin-up girl
CREATE the girl next door look
SHOW some leg!
UNCROSS those legs!
START from your feet and move upwards
OPT for a product with cellulite-busting ingredients
BOOK IN for slender cow legs
BE a barefaced beauty
CHANNEL some au-naturel chic
COLLECT all three
TAKE A BREAK from heat styling
HAVE a gorgeous holiday
GET that perfect cabin crew style
ENJOY an exclusive pre-flight treat
WEAR the lighter shade for day
GET beach-ready
TEAM with flats
PRETTY UP your skincare routine
TREAT yourself
RECREATE that smouldering catwalk look
MAKE toning up easier
TAKE the bikini challenge!
DO summer 2012 the Glamour way
LOOK summer gorgeous
DON’T sweat the big stuff
TIDY the edges
USE a waterproof liner
ADD a neutral lip
FOCUS on lips
PREVENT parched ends
SORT your summer skin
DON’T forget your body
STREAMLINE your make-up routine
TRY rainbow nails
GO for colour
SCULPT your body
SMELL like summer
TAN the smart way
GLOSSIFY your limbs
GET bronzed
LIE flat on your back
LIE on your front
STAND with your feet
BEND into a squat
GET beach-glow gorgeous
IMAGINE your morning coffee was free
GET it first, GET it fast
TREAT yourself
DON’T let your hair slow you down this year
DISCOVER the secret to great skin!
SHOW off your curves
KEEP your cool
PADDLE the pretty way
HOLD it. GLAM it.

Glamour: LET me be. STOP bossing me around. BE KIND to women. HIRE better writers. ACKNOWLEDGE our intelligence. IMPROVE your journalism. FEATURE women from ethnic minorities. SACK Louise Mensch. USE non photoshopped images. DON’T dumb down. BE BETTER than you are.

18 thoughts on “Just Following Orders: Imperatives From Glamour Magazine

  1. Advertising works by making the consumer feel like they’re lacking in something. These mags act like ads (and they’re driven by their advertisers too) so they’ll never be genuinely life affirming for their readership. That’s why I don’t buy them. What I resent more is magazines that have their poison on the cover e.g. the recent “Now” magazine that had pics of slebs with “cellulite” (nice womens mag/ad made up word) circled and various other “flaws” highlighted. I don’t buy these mags so I shouldn’t have their misogynistic bile imposed on me when I’m out shopping. It must have a cumulative negative effect on girls’ and women’s self-esteem

  2. OK Anna. Why don’t you move along now? Seeing as you have nothing positive to say. OR how about you take over the blog? Seeing as you seem to think you’d do such a good job.

  3. Magazines funded by adverts for make up and cosmetic surgery will always be forced to appease those unhealthy notions that you can always look better. In fact, the entire magazine is just one big fat advertisement for shopping.

    Gave them up long time ago, my self esteem rocketed.

  4. I’ve pointed out before that if you’re going to hand out scathing criticism, you have to be able to take it too – though I did think you get a pass out for buying the mags so we don’t have to :)

    PS Anna poor proofreading on you(r) part!

  5. You know how sometimes you respond to exasperation by rolling up a magazine and whacking someone/something with it?* No? Just me, then? ‘Ne’hoo, that’s how I feel about a lot of these glossies. As in, wanting to whack them, not using them to whack … I’ll get my coat

    *(think expression of emotions please, not violence)

  6. Vagenda, why can’t you simply tell Anna that the majority of this blog is about challenging anti-feminism in women’s mags? Or, even better don’t respond at all? Your reaction only makes you seem petulant and inarticulate, which your articles prove you are most definitely not. There’s no need to respond to people who have missed the point, it just gets their back up and they will continue to miss the point for the rest of their lives.
    I agree with Simon – take criticism with grace, and respond with intelligence.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author?! Based on the previous comment, maddle paddle doesn’t sound like a ‘regular troll bore’ to me. Totalitarian censorship? Thanks Vagenda!

  8. Chill, ladybro. I haven’t removed anything. I’ve been getting drunk and playing shithead with my friends. Can’t see the removed comment you’re talking about but when it says ‘this comment has been removed by the author’ it means that the person who wrote the comment has deleted it, not us. We have never deleted a comment on the site. Also FYI, we said Anna was the troll, not maddle paddle, who is a regular commenter here and very welcome.

  9. I was at the hairdressers last week and read a truly horrifying feature in June’s edition of Elle. It was titled something along the lines of ‘Why being content with your body is not good for you’ and the general line was those women who are happy with their bodies stop trying and striving and if they just put a little bit more effort in then they could have an even ‘better’ body.

    Did anybody else see this? I could not actually believe what I was reading – it was so blatant in its message of ‘whatever you look like, you still need to try a bit harder because you’re not quite good enough’ and in trying to erode the confidene of women who do feel ok about their bodies.

    I really wish I had taken it so that a) I could have a copy to show people and b) I could stop other women reading it and being influenced by such propoganda. But I left it there :(

  10. I really like this “Is EVERYONE kinkier than you?!” article that Glamour seems to have included. Nice touch. Because it would be TOTALLY MORTIFYING if you were not frequenting in sado-masochism every now and then. God, keep up. Normal healthy sex is SUCH A BORE. YOU FREAK.

    I vote we send glamour a poo in the post. (animal or human, its really up for discussion) All in favour?

  11. I thought the piece by Zoe Williams in June Glamour was quite good. All about how being a celebrity would make you miserable and totally hung up on your appearance. Just like all the celebrities on the subsequent pages who were being made women of the year…

  12. I have several problems with this..firstly, “Choose Portugese”?? What does that even mean? Secondly, “Collect accessories like seashells”? And use them to accessorise with what, exactly? The rest of my issues with this are too numerous to carry on.