I’m feeling a little hazy. I have this impacted wisdom tooth and the painkiller/red wine combo I’m currently rocking is making me a bit out of it. I’m fairly sure I just saw a feature in Cosmo called ‘What his penis wishes you knew’, in which the Cosmo team interview a sentient penis. I could be hallucinating but I don’t think I am. I’m wondering whether or not Cosmo got an actual man with a penis to answer these questions or if they have finally lost it and *actually* think they are talking to A PENIS. When I suspend my disbelief, the whole thing creeps me out. Someone on Twitter said something like ‘imagine it crawling up your body like a furry caterpillar and whispering all those things in your ear?’ It freaks me out, to think of it. Thankfully I’m not fully able to suspend my disbelief because the ‘voice’ switches between being a penis and being a man. So when the penis says ‘we do sometimes fake orgasms too’, I know that actual penises can’t fake orgasms and that there’s no way that the Cosmo staff actually have a sentient wang that they keep in their fashion cupboard to interview/worship like a Demi God. Anyway, to keep things equal (for we are, after all, in the age of equality), Cosmo decided to interview a vagina for their September Issue. Here we give you a sneak preview:
The Vagina talks exclusively to Cosmo writer Fifi Bushwhacker about life, love, and labia
I’m due to meet the Vagina at an exclusive private members’ club in central London. Being the megastar that she is, the Vagina has her own private suite, and, being one of my personal heroines, I’m rather nervous to meet her. But my mind is put at ease by the Vagina’s easygoing and inclusive manner. ‘Please do sit’, she says, as she moves a Chinese vase of wonderfully fresh smelling freesias to the occasional table, and reclines on the damask chaise longue. I expected the lengthy press junket she’s been on this week to have really taken it out of her, but she’s looking as fresh as a daisy and stylish to boot. Her own personal waiter approaches and, interrupting the conversation with flawless poise, she orders a bagel, complete with full-fat cream cheese. ‘You can put that in the interview,’ she says. ‘Full fat, remember? It’s so tiresome when these journalists assume I’m on some kind of fad diet. There’s nothing I love more than a bacon and cheese stuffed pizzaburger. I’m just like your average gal.’ And she really is, by the time we leave, I can almost imagine myself and the Vagina becoming friends- she’s so down to earth and friendly, it’s like having a chat with one of the girls over a bottle of Pinot.
The Vagina: Are you talking to yourself?
Cosmo: Oh no, sorry, the interior monologue was running…
The Vagina: No matter. If you could start with the questions…I have an eleven ‘o clock.
Cosmo: Yes, yes, of course. Now let me see…question number one. Can you smell yourself?
The Vagina: I beg your pardon?
Cosmo: Sorry, they’re the readers’ questions…they’re a little crass. So um, can you smell yourself?
The Vagina: Well, I don’t have a nose. I don’t even have a voice. I’m not a sentient being. You’re hallucinating this whole thing from your room in the Priory. But to answer your question, no, I can’t smell myself, but if I could I’d smell just fine, thanks.
Cosmo: So you don’t smell, well, kind of…icky?
The Vagina: No. Look, all this Femfresh stuff is bullshit. It’s a very delicate balance in here. There’s all kind of yeasty activity going on and it’s better not to mess with it. Next question.
Cosmo: I like your hair. I see you’ve opted for an afro- RETRO! Do you think it’s important to keep yourself well-groomed, what with being constantly photographed and monitored?
The Vagina: Well, I hardly get time. It’s tough work being all over the internet. But obviously sometimes a photographer will say to me, ‘wax it all off’, and when you’re in my line of business, what the big men says, goes. It is tiring sometimes though…
A distant look appears on the Vagina’s face and she stares into the middle distance, as though somewhere else entirely
…what did you say? Will you PLEASE stop talking to yourself? It’s freaking me out. Where was I? Ah yes, at the moment I’m just taking a break and going low-maintenance. I’ve taken the summer off.
Cosmo: Good on you.
The Vagina: Er…thanks.
Cosmo: So, what’s it like being as famous as you? Do you find the constant scrutiny difficult?
The Vagina: At times it is difficult, yes. I realise that I’m in an incredibly fortunate position but this isn’t something I chose, you know? Sometimes I feel as though I have no control over my own life, over my own destiny
Cosmo: You’re in fantastic shape, I must say
The Vagina: Thank you. I do work out a lot. It’s always tense and relax, tense and relax. My kegels are going at a hundred miles an hour. It’s tough to stay this taut and youthful
Cosmo: Still, you’ll be ample prepared for when that special penis comes along…
The Vagina: I thought my PR said there were to be no questions about my personal life…
Cosmo: Yes, well, I just thought…
The Vagina: Do you mind if I smoke?
Cosmo: Well, er…
The Vagina: Great. Oooh, that’s better. Look, I’m not answering any questions about my relationship with the penis, not from you or anyone. Well, maybe Hello! I’m fucking knackered, truth be told. There are Republicans and Evangelical Christians trying to get a piece of me 24/7, and they’re tireless, fucking tireless I tell you. Indefatigable bunch of dicks. Remember that I’m the gatekeeper to the Uterus? Do you know how many people want to get to her through me? The minute one of them gets batted away, another million crawl out of the woodwork. They can’t just let me live my life, they have to constantly tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. One minute they want to probe me without giving me any say in the matter, yet the next they’re home at their PC wanking furiously to pictures of me. Sometimes I just want to…
Cosmo: You seem a little tense.
The Vagina: Of course I’m fucking tense. This society hardly allows me to be loose, does it?
Cosmo: I didn’t mean to offend you. Perhaps we should move on to another question…er…how would you respond to accusations that you’ve had surgery?
The Vagina: Do you think I got to look the way I do naturally? I’m fucking symmetrical EVERYWHERE. The curtains are all tucked in. You can hardly have expected me to reach this high a profile any other way…I’ve been bleached and dyed to within an inch of my life. That sparkly dress I wore to the Grammy’s last year? It took five make-up artists ten hours to apply each individually crafted rhinestone. And getting the gomme syrup off afterwards was no picnic, I can tell you. A lot of work has gone into looking this good. Where’s my fucking bagel?
Cosmo: It’s refreshing to hear some honesty…
The Vagina: Damn right. Look, I know I’m in a relatively privileged position. I’m famous, I’m hot, I get as much free shit as I could ever want. I don’t even pay for Tampons. And I chose to have surgery. There are Vaginas out there who don’t even get the choice. Do I wish that I could have been accepted the way I am? Sure, but that’s Hollywood, sister.
Cosmo: It sure is. It must be tough for you…
The Vagina: It is tough. Sometimes I just want to hide myself away in a big pair of comfy pants. But the media will find me wherever I go and whatever I do. They’re always shoving a camera in my face. I just have to accept it. It’s life. Your time is nearly up.
Cosmo: God, you’re moody. Are you on your period or something?
The Vagina: Where’s my PR? Miranda? MIRAAAAAANDDDAAAA? Where are you?
The PR comes rushing in
Miranda: I’m sorry, I had a phonecall. What’s wrong?
The Vagina: This Cosmo bint just asked me about periods.
Miranda: [to Cosmo] I thought when I briefed you beforehand that I’d made it clear that…
Cosmo: Ohmigosh, I’m so sorry. I’m SO SO sorry. I don’t know what came over me
Miranda: Look, the Vagina does not BLEED, okay? The Vagina is perfect. The Vagina is stunning, and sweet-smelling, and beautiful. We’re aware that there have been some vicious rumours circulating, but we thought we’d put them to bed…
The Vagina: Just get her out of here will you? I’ve got meetings all day and then a very important fingering later. I can’t deal with this right now.
Miranda: Of course, Vagina. Whatever you say.
The Vagina: I have had it up to HERE with these people, honestly. Constantly trying to shaft me…
Cosmo: If you’ll just let me apologise…
The Vagina: SECURITY
Three hefty looking penises appear
The Vagina: Can you get her out of here? Then fuck off, the lot of you.
Stops a minute and eyes up the penis nearest to her
The Vagina: Except, you. You can stay. And Miranda? Call down for some lube will you? This whole conversation’s dried me right out.