We’re in that quiet lull period in between last month’s mags and this month’s. It’s good because it means we get some respite from Cosmo and Glamour et al, but it’s also BAD BAD BAD because it means I have to resort to weeklies. I couldn’t face Closer or Reveal and let’s be honest, they’re totally easy to mock and wall to wall diets are so tedious they are barely worthy of satire. So I bought more! magazine again. Yeah.
more! (no caps grammar Nazis, NO CAPS) is a magazine so inconsequential that, much like a philosophy graduate who’s had one too many tokes of a bong, you start to wonder if it actually means something. After thinking about this for about 30 seconds and deciding that more! is not a probing commentary on the advanced capitalist dystopia we inhabit, but just a fairly shit mag, I decided that there was simply more to life than reading more!. Here are some reasons why:
1. You are a feminist
The more! team think they’re feminists too. Perhaps they are, I’m not one to judge. But rather than getting angry at the rape conviction rate or the attempts of fundamentalist Christians to quash our right to a happy abortion free from pictures of dead foetuses, they’re getting angry at Twitter. “The more! office went into a feminist meltdown this week” they announce. Why? Because Australian Olympic Swimmer Stephanie Rice published a ‘vanity shot’ (I’d never heard this term before but appaz it means one of those shit pics taken in a mirror with a phone) of herself on Twitter in a bikini. She then got a whole load of shit for it from ‘trolls’ (the media still don’t get what a troll is, huh?) According to more!, this is like, SO NOT FAIR AND STUFF because the male team did a photo shoot in their trunks and didn’t get any abuse at all (I can’t believe I’m even typing out this non-story.) As usual, more! has completely missed the point because a.) The male team didn’t take the picture in the mirror with a phone, and b.) anyone, male OR female, who takes a picture of themselves in the mirror with a phone is an irrevocable twat. You have to be. There is no way on this earth that you could think taking a picture of yourself with a phone looks cool. If you are a feminist, you will know this, as well as knowing that there are more important things to be worrying about. So put down the copy of more! and GO FORTH and live life.
2. You have thighs
Glorious, wobbly thighs which go out at the sides rather than in and look womanly and soft. Rather than reading ‘ALL EYES ON THE THIGHS!’ in more! magazine, why not enjoy the view that your own thighs provide? Failing that, go and look at your friends’ thighs (you could even have drinks while you’re doing it) Sound way better than doing 50 squats a day like Beyonce? That’s because it is.
3. You like beards
Much like their teenage audiences, women’s magazines are strangely squeamish about beards. A couple of months ago Cosmo’s ‘big question’ or whatever they call it was all about male facial hair. Perhaps it’s some twisted revenge thing because they feel they have to wax their vaginas, so are trying to impose some kind of NO HAIR rule across the population. Whatever it is, you don’t give a fuck. There is a whole world of beardy excitement out there for you to sample that is way more exciting than reading anti-facial hair propaganda that is the literary equivalent of ‘ew.’
4. You’re not a Nazi
What is that I spy? Is that Jameela Jamil in a Nazi hat? Surely not! I must google ‘Nazi hats’ to make sure. It is very similar to Rommel’s. Is a Nazi hat what all the cool kids are wearing to the festivals this year? Ok, it might not be a Nazi hat but it is DEFINITELY the hat of a murderer. Jameela doesn’t seem to mind (in fact she looks totally cool with it), unlike the time a Russian communist put a Stasi hat on my boyfriend’s head and made me take a picture, before proceeding to tell us all about how ‘grandfather Stalin’ never killed anyone. When we left I was all, ‘you wore a MURDERER’S HAT!’ and my boyfriend was all, ‘can you delete those pictures please?’ (SAD FACE). This is why I’m going out with my boyfriend rather than Jameela Jamil.
5. You know age is just a number
COUGARS! No, not the animals- that would be awesome. more! are talking about older women, and asking this weeks’ batch of luscious lads/utter morons ‘How old would you go?’ Sam, 22, says: ‘I think 61 would be my max age, as long as she was in shape.’ Charming. I doubt she’d fuck you, Sam. Older women are known to appreciate the finer things in life, such as manners and properly administered cunnilingus. BE GONE WITH YOU ALL (except Tom, 24, actor. You’re quite nice. You can call me. If you want. I mean, I don’t really care either way. Whatever.)
6. You don’t give a fuck about Katy Perry
Who does? Okay, WOOOAHHHH harsh. I’m sure her mum does, and her dad does, and maybe even Russell does, but we don’t? Do we? Do we?
7. You’re not a ‘unipreneur’
According to more! magazine, not everyone is leaving university in loads of debt. So here are some students who totally have their shit together and they haven’t even graduated yet. HATE THEM! HATE THEM NOW! Except you don’t really hate them. Instead you shrug nonchalantly and are like, ‘yeah, whatever’ before sauntering off to the pub and finding someone to have crazy fun no-name sex with in a warehouse. Which is what you should be doing, as a student. Name one fun nineteen year old with their own shoe business? See? You can’t.
8. Who is Channing Tatum?
You don’t know, and you don’t care. Look how awesome it is to be you! I wish I was you, because I know all about Channing Tatum, because I read more! Don’t read more!
9. You don’t have ‘dress fatigue’
Fashion features editor Kelly Elder has dress fatigue, something she calls a ‘new type of shopping-related illness’. Her ‘column’ is about how she’s bored of frocks and is digging ‘seperates’ this season. It’s so devoid of meaning that I’m pretty sure Kelly Elder is a nihilist. But you’re not a nihilist, are you? Let’s leave Kelly to her Nietzsche and romp around in frocks, or trousers, or shorts, without, like, reading too much into it and stuff. FUN TIMES YEAH?
10. You’re cool
You read the Vagenda. You don’t care what a ‘summer sequin skirt’ is, and you know that a ‘sleeveless biker jacket’ is just a leather waistcoat. You’re not a Bridesmaidzilla, like more! editorial assistant Sam, who shouts at her boyfriend and sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person. If your best friend asked you to decorate 80 glass bowls with ribbons, you’d tell her to fuck off (but you’d always hold her hair back). You don’t know, or care, what a Glique is, because you don’t need more!’s help when it comes to making friends. You don’t think your boyfriend’s friends are ‘probably jealous of you’, and you don’t treat him like shit either (I’m looking at Anna, who’s having virtual sex behind her boyfriend’s back) You might even have a GIRLFRIEND and be a lesbian, or bisexual, or whatever. You don’t want to put gel in your hair to get this season’s ‘wet look’ and you don’t think it’s time to start anti-ageing treatments. You’re a person, with a life, and you deserve better than this. But most of all, you’re not a twat. Own it.