Here at the Vagenda we like to keep our fingers on the pulse on what’s going on in ladyland. And it’s a whole lot of crazy shit from the looks of things. During our hours and hours of internet research, we found literally hundreds of barmy products aimed at you and your girlyparts. Some which were touted by the interweb as ridiculous actually struck us as pretty useful. You know the stuff: pyjamas which look like jeans so you never have to get dressed again, like, ever, and a handbag with a spout into which you can insert a handy box of wine. These are the kind of things which we would actually buy and which have an appealing novelty factor with which to entertain your friends. The ones we have included, however, do not. They are manufactured to make you feel bad about yourself and, more often than not, your vagina. We were thinking that soon, those evil marketeers are going to run out of ideas because there are literally no body parts left to colonise. But then we remembered our cakeholes. Due to the increasing acceptance of anal sex as like, a thing that everyone now does, it’s only a matter of time before they’re dusting your a-hole with icing sugar. Ladies: this is your life.
My New Pink Button
Hey girl. Are your labia looking a bit lacklustre? The eye in your crotch cyclops lacking a little pezazz? Well, the answer to your prayers has arrived, in the form of ‘My New Pink Button’ genital cosmetic colourant. Apparently you paint it on like nail varnish and it lasts up to 72 hours (presumably not even a prolonged bout on cunnilingus will shift it). No more wrinkly grey vagina for you my friend. Unfortunately the manufacturers missed a crucial opportunity to provide us with a lipstick pun and opted for a name which sounds like a children’s book/ nuclear missile launcher for ladies. Does Hillary Clinton have one, we wonder?
These pants give you a nice rounded derrier, a la the most famous bridesmaid in the world. They also make sitting down on hard chairs much more pleasant (perhaps Tom Martin should have worn a pair to his gender studies lectures at the LSE) We’re unsure as to whether these foamy pads in any way resemble the squeezy peachiness of a Proper Bottom, but if arse gropage is not a daily occurrence (you lucky thing, you!) they could provide you with those crucial extra bottomy inches. From no-go to J-Lo for the low price of just £8.95!
BECAUSE YOUR VAGINA IS LIKE A FACE- GEDDIT? The treatment takes fifty.fucking.minutes and is a must have for anyone who regularly shaves their vulva to look like a Siamese cat with alopecia. Included is an exfoliating scrub, an anti-freckle mask, and a ‘lightening treatment’ (just in case your pudenda isn’t shiny enough). Shame there’s not a relaxing after-massge involved – anyone who’s taken a loofah to their la-la will know that down there needs a tender touch.
18 Again Vaginal Anti-Ageing Cream
This is what you’ll be needing if you neglect to get that regular vajacial. No one likes an ageing vag, particularly not one as loose as a Clown’s pocket. Thankfully, the Indian manufacturers of ’18 Again’ have come to the rescue with this tightening gel. The telly ad features a woman singing ‘I feel like a virgin’, which, if you ask us, is the last thing a woman wants to feel like. What, you mean I have to cry afterwards and everything? And then you’ll tell everyone at school that we did it and never text me again? Awesome.
Rejuvinique Face Mask
Everyone with their finger into a biologically determinist pie will know that us wimmin are fucking brilliant at multitasking. Which is why this electric facial toning mark/Halloween costume with which to frighten children is an invention of genius proportions. Pop on the mask, and you’re instantly transformed into a serial killer. Take it off and you look…well, if amazon product reviews are to be believed…like a burn victim. Saying that, it does feature ‘a knob that adjusts the pulsation intensity to suit individual preference’. Whoa. Coming on a little strong there, aren’t we?
Betty Pubic Hair Dye
Always wanted aquamarine pubes? Well, now you can have you’re heart’s desire. This company’s website features an array of vulva related products, but it was the dye that caught our fancy, positioned as it was next to a recommendation that it makes the ‘perfect gift’ (for WHOM?) They’re also flogging it as the essential beauty accessory for, and I can’t believe I’m typing this, your WEDDING DAY. Yeah. Your muff can be your ‘something blue.’ Dye also available in green for St Patrick’s Day and pink for breast cancer awareness.
Bust up gum
This miracle gum claims to give you everything, from bigger tits to a youthful glow to ‘increased vaginal secretion.’ It also helps with PMS, stress and anxiety, and helps attract unicorns. The website also stocks ‘nipple conditioner’ (just in case your little nubbins aren’t silky smooth enough) and a handbook called ‘How to grow your breasts.’ Chewing bust up gum can cause ‘loose bowl movements’, something we consider an added extra bonus (nothing makes you skinnier than a bout of the trots). Before you know it, you’ll be a size six, a 36E, and constantly lubricated. Win.
What’s the point of all that extra vaginal secretion if you don’t even have a boyfriend? Thankfully, for those lonely spinsters, the boyfriend pillow has come to the rescue. Everyone remembers that issue of J-17 which taught its readers how to masturbate: ‘some girls will hump a pillow until they orgasm.’ Now you can! Unfortunately, he’s only half the man you dreamed of, and his fingers are all stitched together, but at least he’ll snuggle afterwards. Brilliantly, this product has been the recipient of some hilarious spoof amazon reviews (much like ‘Veet for Men’ hair removal cream. Choice quote: DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS), but also some alarmingly po-faced ones: ‘it is not even vaguely like having an actual arm around you, at all, whatsoever’, says one disgruntled customer. One girl, who was given the pillow by her long-distance lover, complained that it ‘didn’t smell like him’ (insert Jo Brand joke about my boyfriend’s flatulence problem here).
Vag cooling astronaut pants
Hey girl (again), crotch feeling a bit sweaty? Not to worry. These pants keep your genital temperature at a cool 3 degrees lower than usual. Keen to read about ‘the science behind the technology’, we watched their youtube video, which basically involves immobilising the consumer with psuedoscience ‘buzz words’ such as ‘NASA’ and ‘thermocule (TM)’ ‘If it’s good enough for astronauts, then it’s good enough for me’, says the jock in the video. Who knew ringworm was such a common problem in outer space?
WINNER: Linger internal vaginal flavouring/FemFresh
VAGINA MINTS VAGINA MINTS VAGINA MINTS. Unfortunately, these mints, which claimed to subtly flavour your vaginal discharge when aroused, now seem to have been discontinued. Booooooooo! What’s a girl with a stinky fanny supposed to do now? There’s nothing worse than realising that smell is YOU, but there’s always femfresh (flange Fabreze) who seem to be keeping a low profile after Facebook page was bombarded by naysayers (fnar fnar!) questioning the impact perfumed products might have on the delicate PH balance of their vaginas. It is a genuine loss to the internet that Femfresh deleted their facebook page, taking some of the finest vagina-themed comedy gold this generation has ever seen with it which included a list of potential vagina flavours such as ‘Madras’, ‘garlic mayo’, ‘scampi’ and ‘houmous.’ They also forfeited over 320,000 ‘likes’. Not that we feel guilty for cheering people on. Unfortunately what happens when you help to bring down an entire marketing campaign is that a million other marketeers spring up with blog posts such as ‘things social media executives can learn from the Femfresh facebook debacle.’ Sadly, the only thing they haven’t learnt is the most important lesson: IF YOU TELL WOMEN THAT THEIR FANNIES SMELL, THEY GET ANGRY.
Runner up: Smoothgroove
The infamous vag minimiser gets an honorary mention here. We’ve obviously looked at the implications of this bizarre product in more detail, but couldn’t resist giving it the oxygen of publicity just one more time. Who can resist a gumshield for their flange, after all? Perfect protection if you’ve ever walked your crotch into the corner of a table, as we frequently do.
Have you tried out any of these marvellous products? Did they give you a rash? Let us know in the comments.