The Vagenda


Due to the popularity of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, the sales of ‘loveballs’ (properly known as Ben Wa balls) has skyrocketed. Luckily, as a bright young thing with her fingers firmly on the pulse, I am totally aware of what Ben Wa balls are*.
As far as I can work out, Ben Wa balls are variously-sized, weighted balls which are inserted into the front bottom. This, according to Wikipedia has two benefits- it strengthens the vagina, which reduces incontinence and increases your propensity to orgasm. These, admittedly, are very nice benefits, but, personally, I think Wikipedia might have undersold these love balls. Only two benefits? From walking about with balls inside you all day long? Just off the top of my head I can think of many, many more:
1. Excessive weight loss due to day-long panicky sweating about said balls falling out of your front bottom.
2. Heightened awareness of sound, due to constant fear of balls clinking inside yourself and the subsequent horror of having to explain why your vagina is making clinking sounds. ‘Oh that? No, don’t fuss about that. I have simply inserted some metal balls into myself. Please enjoy the delicious pasta I have made.’
3. Wikipedia ends its entry on Ben Wa balls with a thrilling fact: the world champion for vagina strength can lift 35lbs. Great! Because what women all over the world need most is for anotherbody part to be held up to an impossible ideal.
I could go on, but the effort of clenching my legs together while writing this has started to take its toll. ‘50 Shades of Grey’, for your continued and unrelenting ability to make women’s lives that little bit more difficult, I salute you. (Though from my chair, I’m scared to stand up).
*Understand how to use Google
- LK
Have you tried Ben Wa Balls? What happened? Let us know in the comments

14 thoughts on “Balls

  1. Mine had the following warning on the packet:
    “Caution: prolonged and frequent use of penis enhancing devices may cause ruptured blood vessels, haemorrhage and haematoma formation. These devices can also aggravate existing medical conditions such as pegranies disease, priapism and urethral stricture. Penis enhancing devices should always be used with discretion.”
    I feel perhaps someone, somewhere along the line, was confused about the intended user.

  2. I prefer my real balls right where they need to be. Less weighty and little more invisible. I call them my ovaries. They don’t strengthen my vagina or help me orgasm but they do fine as they are. I’m so vanilla

  3. These had been presented to me, as a naive youngster (many years ago), as primarily being used by men. I was obviously not informed of the benefits to women. I’m glad that Wikipedia is there to fill in my education.

  4. Kegel exercises are positive for women – as you mention, using Ben Wa balls can enhance orgasm both in intensity and frequency. I’m guessing you’ve never tried the balls as, if you had, you’d realise they are inaudible when used (and you can also get solid weights if you’re worried about clinking) They also fit in place easily and I’ve certainly never experienced a feeling of worry that they might fall out – other than before I’d actually ever tried a pair (I’ve tested numerous types and have also spoken to many other women who’ve used them and found them beneficial in my capacity as a sex educator).

    Far from making life more difficult for women, by popularising Ben Wa Balls, EL James has driven sales to one of the oldest sex toys around, referenced in the ancient Pillow Books, which can help women improve their capacity to orgasm whether alone or with a partner; and help them keep their pelvic floor healthy. Improving female sexual health (and orgasmic potential) is a good thing.

    It’s good to see people analysing sex toys but I’d really recommend trying a product before writing about it as the way something is presented and the way that it feels can be very different indeed (I’ve tested over 600 sex toys in my time so it’s something of a specialist area)

  5. I had some many moons ago (in my late 20′s), they were this heavy orange plastic and quite big and connected by some kind of thick polyester string. If worn during the day, I could indeed hear them rattling or chiming (it came from inside the weights within the ball itself) as I walked. One night I went dancing and decided to wear them. I took legal party pills (ugh) and had a few drinks, got a bit more wasted than I intended to and when I went to the toilet I was so relaxed that they slid out of me easily. Hmm, that was pissing and trying to catch my balls before they fell into the loo. Sexy. Have considered getting some again as they are now made with much better materials!!

  6. I was at a sex fair/trade show (not to be confused with fair trade. I tried it the other way around and ended up with sex trade/ fair show. Erm, so… you can probably see why I went with the other version) last night and saw many, many different and wonderful things there. When did my life get so damned boring, I asked myself. I saw the balls there and considered getting some. Now I wish I had and will head to Chinatown ASAP to do so. I also laughed hysterically at LK’s entry. Thank you for a great read. You make learning fun.