- them’s some fuck ugly shoes
On paper, Louise “Louise Mensch” Mensch is cool (apart from when she leaves comments on blogs accusing us of being Labour supporters for not liking her – Ed) She did English at Oxford, interned at MTV, worked in EMI’s press department and then gave up being cool and instead decided to change the world by doing some politics, or change politics by being quite hot, or something. And we all know the only thing cooler than being cool is giving up being cool because you don’t care about being cool even if all you’re really doing is trying to look cool in a less cool environment so it’s actually easier to be cool, but whatever, we know you don’t really care about being cool, do you Loulou?
But when you actually sit down and think about it, Louise Mensch is a ridiculous human being.
Here are five reasons:
- She wrote a book called “Glamour”, which is about three school friends (one of them has both brains AND beauty!!!!1!!! OHEMGEE CAN’T BELIEVE IT, ETC) who open a super glam book shop together and make loadz of dolla.
- She wrote a book called “Passion”, which is about a man who loves a woman, but then the woman gets a bit chubbs so he doesn’t love her anymore, but then she goes to the gym (natch) and then he does love her again and they all live happily ever after.
- She wrote a book called “Desire”, which is about a woman who wakes up after her wedding to find her husband dead, but it’s all OK because she ends up dating the FBI agent who’s investigating the case. PHEW, MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.
- She wrote a book called “Destiny”, which is about a girl who marries into money and learns (wait for it) that money isn’t everything. Got that, ladies? MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING.
- She wrote a book called “Glitz.” Glitz? Glitz. I can’t even bring myself to Google what that one was about.
Let’s put her shitlit aside though. Let’s forgive Louise’s contribution to the literary world. Let’s assume she did it ironically or something, and let’s give her new fashion blog the time of day. lol, jk… let’s make fun of it.
LOUSIE MENSCH HAS WRITTEN A FASHION BLOG.
IT IS CALLED UNFASHIONISTA.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH LOUISE MENSCH’S FASHION BLOG THAT IS CALLED UNFASHIONISTA THAT I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START.
But here are five reasons it’s the worst thing in the world:
1. Her first post is called “The Holy Grail of Heels.” In it, she praises a pair of shoes for being both high-heeled AND comfortable. Got that? High-heeled? Yes. Comfortable? Yes. Both? JESUS CHRIST, IT’S A YES. She goes on to claim that high heels are the “sine qua non” (what the fuck is that?) of “looking hot in a dress” and encourages women to wear high heels more because “your man wants you to swing it.” Swing what? Wearing high shoes requires no swinging? Unless I’m doing it wrong? I’m not doing it wrong; Louise Mensch is doing it wrong. Besides, some men are very short and they specifically would not like it if you were to wear high heels in their presence, whether or not you’re swinging this elusive “it”. So there, Mensch.
2. Her second post is called “What Men Want: Face” in which she talks primarily about the facial preferences of men and offers the following insight into the male mind: “Everybody’s tastes differ,” (no shit, Sherlock), “but men do like to see a confident, groomed woman who’s relaxed in her own skin.” To clarify, which helpful Louise does, when applying make up, you should aim for a “smooth” (but not “done”) finish. Why? Because that’s what men want: face. Obv.
3. Hang on, I have just noticed something. The slogan of Louise Mensch’s fashion blog is “a lazy girl’s guide to gloss.” Just. Too. Good. That’s reason three.
4. In “What Men Want: Figure” (it’s basically quite similar to “What Men Want: Face”, except it focuses on figure, not face), she says “men like curves.” Louise has really got them sussed, these men. She knows what they want. To recap: smooth (not done) face, and curvy bod. Still confused? Don’t woz, fashionista Louise Mensch (sorry, unfashionista Louise Mensch) gives us a good, old e.g. On the subject of Kim Kardashian, she muses: “there was a collective sigh of relief from men fed up to the back teeth with the constant diet of stick-thin, sexless models; no hips, no breasts, no fat anywhere to curve at the waist.” Oh Louise. Oh dear, sweet Louise. Three points:
i) No one looks like Kim Kardashian except Kim Kardashian (and Khloe Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian and the other Kardashians). Kim Kardashian is not a realistic example of a “curvy woman”. That’s why she dates Kanye West and other “curvy women” don’t’ date Kanye West.
ii) Lots of women have different bodies and, although they may be different, they can all be smokin’ hawt. Kim Kardashian? Hot. Kate Moss? Hot. The difference: Kate Moss doesn’t have curves. Generalising will get you nowhere, Mensch.
iii) You can’t describe men as being “on a diet” of women. That’s insane.
5. Veering on parody, she writes: “men say they want a girl in a mini-skirt and heels but actually date and marry very differently.” Right. So if you want to date, go for the mini-skirt and heels, but if you want a marriage, ditch the mini-skirt but keep the heels (see: Point 1, feat. Holy Grail Heels).
I’ve got to stop. I’ve got to leave this website. I’ve wasted too much of my life on it. And, much as I do love a good generalisation, Louise Mensch is making me want to remove my heels (which, incidentally, I’m swinging in), and use them to hack at my computer screen and vow to never read the news or go on the Internet again for fear of seeing her face. And that would be a terrible result because the Internet and the news are very important things. So instead, I will leave you with a few more stonking generalisations from everyone’s favourite fashion blogger, Louise Mensch. Sit back, relax and enjoy:
“Men have terrible double standards.”
“[Men] don’t want to see other guys leering at you.”
“Essentially men are simple creatures.”
And my personal fave: “[Men] love you to wear colour.”
So, in other words, Susie Bubble isn’t quaking in her boots quite yet.