because, FINALLY, right?
Ladies, are you having a hard time speaking to human men in your neighbourhood? Do you want to know more than a Google search’s worth of information about a man before you even approach? Want to know whether or not the guy making eyes at you across the coffee shop did or did not spoon his last girlfriend, but refuse to have an adult conversation with him to obtain that information? Have I got an app for you! Meet Lulu.
It is a “database of men,” which is personally giving me very aggressive “binders of women” flashbacks, and which allows you to rate them and share stories and hashtags (#OpensDoors, #WillSeeRomComs, #AlwaysPays, etc.) with other users on the “girls only” app. It can also help you to find men in your area who are good kissers or love their moms or have big… feet (haha do you get it? They do not mean feet!). Intrepid stalkers can “star” guys that they’re into, to be notified upon the arrival of “juicy new Lulu activity.” Activity like a rating of his ‘Ambition’ based on an anonymous woman’s ratings of what he might be wearing in the future. You can also recommend men to different girls in your Lulu BFF circle… like Spotify, but for humans with penises!
Caitlin Moran has a test for misogyny: are the men doing this, as well? No, they are not, because I would be SO mad at them if they were. I am not going to suggest that this is misandry because a) it’s not and b) the concept of misandry, I just don’t know, you guys, but I would like to suggest that it is generally in poor taste and not a good thing to be participating in. Treat others the way you would like to be treated, right? Basic human 101, and yet here Lulu is, encouraging you to rank the men in your life out of ten or stalk a guy from your Psychology class because he held a door open for one of your anonymous man-ranking app friends once and you love MANNERS.
But while this app is definitely not treating men well, it just straight up haaaates women. Just thinks we’re dumb, husband-obsessed gossips. And it doesn’t even trust women to have the last word on the men they’re ranking! Despite presenting itself as the FUBU of girl talk, users can also get advice from the “hilarious, brutally honest” Dude. This anonymous guy offers ladies advice on how to behave out in the world because he has “been there,” and because what do you know, you are just a lady creeping around on an app to find out if your friend Stephen rates higher than your current boyfriend in Humour and Appearance. On Lulu’s blog The Dude says things like this:
Dear Dude: How come guys never want to kiss? Once I sleep with a guy, we don’t have those great makeout sessions anymore, and just go straight to doing the deed.Why doesn’t Derek Jeter like playing Little League anymore? Why doesn’t Bill Gates want to go back to living in his parents’ basement? You took us to the promised land, now you want us to build another pyramid? And yes, we do think of it that way.- The Blunt Dude
Cooooooool. If you really hate yourself, you can read other fun entries like “Finally! A Dude tells us how far to go on dates 1-4,” or “How not to freak out when your boyfriend travels.” And if your man is feeling left out, don’t worry! They also have an app for guys,”which lets them get general feedback about where they stand among other men, and gives them tips and insights about the mysterious world of women.” The this app seems to be based on the premise that nobody on either side of a relationship can be trusted to ever have a mature, honest conversation, about anything. Men are liars, or lazy, or cheaters, or “have their mom on speed dial,” and must conform strictly to archaic ideas of a good date (#AlwaysPays) or be shamed behind their backs not only by their female friends but a community of anonymous, judgmental strangers, and women are simply doing the only thing they do all day, think about how and when they can FINALLY snag a man. It’s all we want, the pink app tells us, and now we can have it! That Disney wedding to a guy who spoons and lives in my area code that I have always wanted is within sight. Barf.
Lulu’s creators say the app was born of necessity, and that they are simply making the “private ritual” of asking around about a guy easier to do: “At the end of the day, Lulu is all about encouraging good, gentlemanly behaviour, and providing a platform that makes girls’ research easier and more fun.” It is rare that something so pink and “just-us-girls” is equally disheartening for both men and women, but Lulu seems to have nailed it!