The Vagenda

The Pros and Cons of One Night Stands

Since I had some free time between yelling ‘I’M TRYING TO WRITE A FUCKING BOOK’ at my boyfriend and howling at the full-moon, I thought I’d have a look at Cosmo US’ exhaustive and impeccably researched treatise on one night stands. Up until I met the old ball and chain, I was a bit of a one night stand aficionado (though not as much as my bestie, who can, pants-in-pocket, vacate a still-sleeping guy’s hotel room in under thirty seconds and only left her phone behind once), so I thought I’d be the right person for this particular bullshit-detecting job. And my giddy aunt, is there some bullshit.
Question: What if I don’t want to meet the one? What if I just want to have lots of crazy sex with lots of random guys, and have no desire to be monogamous, like, ever? What if I’m not thinking about the future or a LTR (I think this means ‘Long Term Relationship’ and not ‘Lord of the Rings’)? What if I just want to get off? What does that make me then? (Don’t answer that)
Damn insurmountable ladyhormones, making me want more. Despite being an intelligent, evolved human being, I just can’t fight that oxytocin. Except, you TOTALLY CAN. Take it from someone who has been with some true undesirables, you can’t actually be attracted to someone to the point that you want them to be your long term partner without your consent. This cuddle hormone stuff has foundations in science. AS DOES the immediate impact a man in red trousers saying ‘I really admire the steps the coalition’s been making in terms of social mobility’ while strumming Lady in Red on the guitar can have on your ladyboner (namely: killing it dead). 
It’s true: you will learn all kind of things. You’ll learn how to create a stylish outfit from a combination of male clothing items. You’ll learn how to change a number in your phonebook to ‘DO NOT PICK UP’. You’ll learn how trying to shave your bikini line when you can’t see straight always almost results in a lopsided vagina and that filling it back in with eyebrow pencil just makes it look like you’ve pooed yourself forwards, and you’ll learn that the morning after pill tastes particularly delicious when taken in combination with Lucozade and a Richmond Superking (heads up: you also get Boots advantage points) 
Also, what, pray tell, is a ‘sex genius’? Surely there are only a finite number of ways that you can insert a penis or tongue into an orifice and mastering them all is in no way on a par to locating the God Particle. Or did I miss that issue of Cosmo and the Higgs Boson is actually located up ‘your man’s anus? 
I mean, yeah there is. Which is why you take them back to yours, duh. My preferred tactic when a friend would say, on a night out, ‘do you mind if I leave with him?’ would be to ask for full details of his credentials including his phone number, address and place of work before letting them lose on each other with a caveat that, if she’s not back by an appointed time, I WILL be calling the police and her mum. But that’s just the kind of friend I am. Also: drunk sex is fun.
Again, this serious relationship business. Cosmo is OBSESSED. Can you imagine FHM saying ‘if you make casual sex a habit, you may end up missing out on the right girl for you’? Because I really, really can’t. 
It’s true: you will. MDMA does that to you. 
I mean, you don’t HAVE to worry about pleasing him, but it will make you a terrible lay, and person. 
I LOVE the walk of shame. Not only do you have plenty of time to make phonecalls to all your mates (‘so, I finally did that rimming thing you love so much’) but you also get to smirk in a superior fashion at anyone who dares look as though they might be questioning why you’re sporting a jewel coloured halterneck satin number and a man’s dinner jacket at 8am on a Tuesday. Then, when you get home, you can add him to your list while eating a large sized stuff crust pizza because, hangover, and spend the rest of the night trolling his ‘so you took it, yeah?’ text messages with stuff like ‘Nah, I just thought I’d see how it panned out’. Best day ever. 

6 thoughts on “The Pros and Cons of One Night Stands

  1. Great article. I particularly love the last bit – ‘Stride of Pride’ indeed – well done Jajderian, I am totally going to ‘borrow’ that term! ;)

    As a man I have to say I have two main thoughts when I see I pride strider:

    1) Good on you, I hope you had a great night and…
    2) Slight jealousy that I myself am not walking about with lipstick smeared in unusual places wearing her pants that I’d put on by mistake. No honestly! It was bloody dark in that room and I was in a rush, I didn’t even make a cup of tea but had to make do with black nescafe (urrrgh). Mind you. They did feel lovely and silky and I did feel all feminine and sensual and…
    3) I should really stop sharing my thoughts with strangers on blogs, and indeed bogs. Especially bogs. But blogs too.
    4) That’s more than 2 isn’t it? *Sigh* oh well. I will go now.

  2. By the way, are those ‘want’ ‘OMG!’ and ‘WTF?’ buttons an actual feature from the magazine? Is that what Cosmo has reduced women’s set of permissible responses to? Want and two different strengths of shock? What about a button representing some type of disagreement? Also will this be a feature of all future Cosmo articles?

    Cosmo readers respond to news of an HIV cure:

    68% want
    23% OMG!
    9% WTF?

    Cosmo readers respond to general election result:

    32% want
    25% OMG!
    43% WTF?

    On a more serious note, this does strike me as a scary reflection of how women are, in a way, expected to behave. You either want things or are shocked by them. That’s it. That’s the whole gamut of acceptable female experience as filtered through the mainstream media.

    Kittens? Want. Men? Want. Lindsay Lohan drunk? OMG! Being groped in a club? WTF?

    EDIT: Just checked the site and can’t see them. If they’re the invention of the author then kudos to you on a work of satirical genius.

  3. Imagine that “just please yourself” thing if it was directed at men. It’d go straight to “you can be a lousy sex partner, even a rapey one, but hey, it’s a one night stand, who cares about pleasing her?” It sucks just as much either way. Funny, I thought sex was ideally about *mutual* pleasure, not about encouraging people to be selfish creeps. Way to go, Cosmo.

  4. Can I proffer a response on the topic “don’t drink too much” of, “since when is it okay to rape women if they’re drunk?” We should be able to go out and drink as many vodka sodas (pfffft…make mine a G&T) as we like without fear of a sexual attack.