The Vagenda

A Conversation With Allan

Today, we innocently logged into our Vagenda email account to find the following turd steaming away inside of it. We thought it would only be fair to share it with the world.
Hope you are well.
I recently read your article regarding The Sun newspapers decision to run two NHS differeing financially related, treatment distribution stories along side each other.
Firstly, congratulations for waking up to the tired & already known reality that The Sun is nothing more than a rag, specializing in crass contradictions & comparisons – with an expedient motive, (however, fully correct your 20-years-too-late realization may be).
The NHS was simply not created to improve the ego of shallow women with little else to focus on in their lives than their breast size.
Women have and continue to triumph through life regardless of their looks & (lack of) sex appeal – even considering how shallow and conditioned women seem easily effected by in todays mainstream female commandeered world.
I’m not laughing or poking fun at any females frustration with the size of their chest. But as an employee of the NHS that is tired of witnessing funds filter into the capacity of mental well being, whilst POORLY people continue to suffer at the hands of a lack of sensible wealth distribution, (though admittedly not exclusively), I have to ask you to think deeply about how NHS funds should be utilized.
Illness, disease, broken bones et al, are the core reason for the NHS.
Cosmetic issues culminating in mental unhappiness should require alternative treatment outdide of the NHS domain.
Nobody in their right mind is attempting to suggest this big buzzumed lady took cash from the childs coffers for breast expansion, but when combined with national cosmetic surgical figures, particularly in relation to young females and their never ending excuses to question their self worth, those financial figures are – forgive the pun, boosted. Enourmesly.
And my frustration is born out of a belief that only those who are suffering with serious illness that this country already underperforms with eg cancer, and our ability to look after the elderly more robustly etc, should be receiving first and only priority when discussing NHS funds and time management.
I am short. Under the national hight average. I’ve been rejected by women over the years for this reason. 
But I don’t seek sympathy or treatment on the NHS because the NHS is not my aunty. It is an institution that should be used to treat the ill, not the ego.
In case you’re wondering, the original article that got Allan’s goat is here.

I decided to conduct a mature and thoughtful response, following the format that Allan himself had decided upon.
Hi Allan,
I hope you are well.
I recently read your email regarding ‘big buzzumed ladies’ and the fact that the NHS is not your aunty. 
Firstly, congratulations on waking up to the already tired and well-known reality that The Vagenda is nothing more than a human-rights-supporting, pro-feminist, infuriatingly tolerant blog, specialising in crass humour and media analysis – with a liberal leftie agenda (however correct your year-late realisation may be.)
The Vagenda was simply not created to improve the ego of short men with little else to focus on in their lives than their height and their female counterparts’ breasts (however many rejections in love this vertical challenge may have afforded you.)
I’m not laughing or poking fun at any man’s frustration with the size of their legs. But as an editor at The Vagenda who is tired of witnessing idiocy being filtered straight into the annals of the Daily Mail (although admittedly not exclusively – The Star and The Telegraph have their days), I have to thank you for chucking a small amount of it our way. All of the emails that we get are so annoyingly supportive and intelligent that sometimes we crave this sort of vapid breath of fresh air.
Entrenched sexist stereotypes manifested as rape, slut-shaming, street harassment, racism, transphobia and insulting and repetitive media portrayals are the core reason for The Vagenda.
Rants about how women with body dysmorphia are suffering a little bit of ‘mental unhappiness’ and require ‘alternative treatment’ (probably a tampon since you’re 90% sure it’s just because she’s on her period, right?) would usually fall outside of the Vagenda domain.
Nobody in their right mind is attempting to suggest that you should stab yourself repeatedly in the eye with an NHS regulation pencil as you repeat: ‘I will not be a lazy sexist’, particularly not on your lunch hour in front of a delighted all-female audience as they chow down on their burgers and chips. But it does seem to be a tempting suggestion when combined with your lack of grammatical nous and the fact that you work inside an institution where it is extremely important to be empathetic and non-judgmental. In these important areas, you seem to be – forgive the height pun – coming up short.
And my frustration is born out of a belief that re-educating those such as yourself who suffer from chronic stupidity should be our first priority when expanding the aims of The Vagenda.
I am also short, as well as knobbly-kneed, a jaundiced shade of blonde, and chronically lacking in jawline. I’ve conducted a number of ‘chin-stretching’ exercises with rubber bands over the years for this reason, much to the amusement of my friends.
But I don’t send ranting emails to blogs like The Vagenda about it, because The Vagenda and other such places are not my personal rant diary or The Daily Star. They are institutions which, on receiving such emails, would be very likely to deliver a scathing reply and then publish it on the internet. 
Your Aunty V.

14 thoughts on “A Conversation With Allan

  1. Opened up the comments feed eagerly anticipating bonkers reply from Allen. We can but hope.

    Bravo! I received therapy a couple of years back via the NHS (not for image issues, but I don’t think there’s a distinction being made in the turd letter). I most certainly was POORLY, and was very, very grateful for the wonderful treatment I received. Proud to be ‘witnessing funds filter into the capacity of mental well being’. Long may it continue.

  2. Oh okay, wow, where to begin? Firstly, great response – really brilliant. Both funny and thoughtful (as many of your articles are).

    My main problem with this is an NHS employee somehow perceiving mental health issues as being ‘lesser’ than physical health. Tell that to the 1 in 4 people who have experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of their lifetime. Just because there’s no wound, no scar, it doesn’t mean that it’s not real. My father suffered from extremely severe clinical depression for six or so months of the last year, and his illness was just as painful, just as serious and just as debilitating (if not more so) than my recovery from spinal surgery aged fifteen. It makes me so very irate when people make value judgments as though one type of illness must have more gravitas than another.
    My last blog post was actually all about watching my father suffer ( , and I’m just going to quote a bit of it here because it feels appropriate in response – obviously a very different condition to what this woman was experiencing, but I hope it gives a bit of context to the general perception of ‘mental wellbeing.’

    “It’s very easy if you’re on the outside looking in on depression to use blithe instructions like ‘pull yourself together’ or ‘stop moping’ or ‘use your willpower.’ But this is as impossible and insensitive as suggesting to someone with two broken legs that they should simply pull themselves together, get up, go for a run and then do something useful. The impact is as physical as it is mental and emotional – and it radiates out from the individual to affect all who surround them.”

    I could go on and write something of article length in this comment, but I think that as you gave such a good response, it’s not needed.. Maybe I should just add that the funding allocated to mental health is actually a relatively low sum – too low for many to be treated effectively.

  3. Firstly – hilarious. love it mostly.

    Secondly – wasn’t he trying to say (in a terrible way) that the mental health issues shouldn’t be treated by paying for cosmetic surgery? If that was what he was saying (attempting to decipher through the patronising layers) then I think I might agree. Mental health issues and body issues are hugely important and need treatment but I would rather see them treated with therapy and other remedies rather than cosmetic surgery in someone so young. Especially when it is something like breast implants. It is horrific that the girl was suffering so much that that seemed like the answer and granted, I don’t know her personal story outside of your article, but I can’t help thinking implants might not be the long-term solution.

    Then again – I could be completely wrong!

    Either way – he should have been shot on site for implying you have only just woken up to the evils of the Sun. What a dunce.

    Love you, love your work. You keep me sane.

  4. Oh Allan, may I introduce you to the apostrophe? Here it is: ‘
    If you are going to troll under the guise of putting forward a ‘serious’ argument, may I suggest spell-check too?

  5. Hello!

    Just wanted to clarify something as someone sent us a really long, boring email about it.

    We’re not in any way saying that surgery is the answer to body anxiety. But equally one should never take the Sun’s estimation of young woman’s motivations and mental state as authoritative.

    However, it seems pretty clear from Allan’s letter that he doesn’t think mental health is an issue worthy of funding:

    ‘as an employee of the NHS that is tired of witnessing funds filter into the capacity of mental well being, whilst POORLY people continue to suffer at the hands of a lack of sensible wealth distribution’

    But it is THIS sentence more than ever which shows what Allan’s all about: ‘Women have and continue to triumph through life regardless of their looks & (lack of) sex appeal – even considering how shallow and conditioned women seem easily effected by in todays mainstream female commandeered world.’


    That, coupled with the stuff about his height, seems to demonstrate that our Allan has a bit of a personal axe to grind. Anyone who refers to women as ‘females’ usually gets my douchebag alarm ringing, too.

    In light of that I think my co-editor was completely correct in her diagnosis of chronic stupidity. Furthermore, all the apologists such as Allan on the original article seem to think that body anxiety occurs in a vacuum, i.e. it’s all your fault. And that, my friends, is bullshit.

  6. Brilliant, just brilliant.
    Also, has Allan considered that perhaps the reason he has not received treatment for his height (or lack of) on the NHS is because no such treatment exists, and not because he is some kind of NHS find-saving hero? From the sound of it, if there was a treatment available, he’s snatch it up, in the hope that his increased height distracts women from his sexist and judgemental views.
    One final point- as someone who suffered from anorexia, and was hospitalised for treatment, I am eternally grateful that the NHS funded treatment and improved my “Mental well being”, otherwise I would have certainly died from my “Cosmetic issues culminating in mental unhappiness”.
    Very glad that the NHS is not run by this man!

  7. Actually, you can get your legs extended / stretched. I saw it on ER (or possibly Grey’s Anatomy) once. And I think the fact that I have seen so much of those two shows probably gives me more medical knowledge than “employee of the NHS” Alan – works in the canteen, do we think??

  8. Poor baby! Women don’t fancy him and it MUST be because he’s so short and we’re so shallow! It couldn’t be because he’s a total douchebag, could it?

    (I am also pretend-poorly with my selfish made-up mental health issues and I’m relieved that this caring individual has shown me the light. I’ll just stop having the panic attacks that I voluntarily indulge myself in, wipe my little eyes and assure myself that PTSD is completely in my head and pull myself together. That’s a relief! I feel so much better now I know I haven’t really been suffering at all.)

    (Did I already say ‘douchebag’?)