The Vagenda

The Pregnancy Crimes of Kimye


Everyone’s doing it, from the delightful and ironically titled ‘Femail’ to that oh-so-classy whale meme on Instagram. Yes, ladies, everyone is getting involved with Kim Kardashian (KimK, Kimye, or simply KK for those in the inner circle) – or more, specifically, ‘fat-shaming’ her burgeoning womb, because, like, a convex stomach when there’s a miniature person inside of you is so last year. So far, poor old KimK stands accused of an array of pregnancy-related misdemeanors, which we thought we’d catalogue for you to show up just how truly mad the world gets just before the appearance of another fellow citizen. According to the Sidebar of Shame and assorted tabloids/celeb mags, these misdemenaors include:
1. A 65lb weight gain

You have to congratulate the cunning individual who successfully weighed Kim without her consent or any scales. This ‘65lb gain’ has been flouted around as proof that KK must be storing up for the winter months or otherwise flagrantly consuming America’s share of international nutrition. Probs nothing to do with the human in her uterus, then.
2. ‘Gorging’ on junk food
Well, how else would she have gained that imaginary 65lbs?

3. ‘Dangerous dieting’ and a ‘gruelling gym regime’
Whilst feasting on a nonstop conveyer belt of double cheeseburgers, Kim is simultaneously pumping iron. Does that woman never stop courting the headlines? True, the ACTUAL photos of her doing 17km on the rowing machine and then consuming her weight in lard milkshakes are demonstrably absent – but the rampant red-top speculation says it all. Guilty as charged.

4. ‘Hormonal’ Kim goes ker-azy
Of all of the heinous crimes Kim has committed during her nine month fiasco, this is the worst. Take a nap, have a hot water bottle, and sort your goddamn oestrogen levels out, woman!
5. Kim’s unruly pregnant body ‘spilling out’ all over the place

Oh dear, has someone not quite managed to get themselves a pregnancy stylist yet? Your big fat gross pregnany belly is totally out of control, KK; keep the curves/foetus in check, please! You’re taking up too much of the Hollywood Boulevard.

6. ‘Suffocating’ her baby instead of embracing traditional maternity wear

Well, if you’re going to be portrayed as a ‘whale’ in the latest ‘Kimye preggers’ meme, then you may as well be a whale in Valentino rather than one in tracksuits with elasticated waistbands, no? The idea that Kim might actually, ACTUALLY suffocate her child by wearing high fashion in her second trimester has been floated by the biological geniuses behind some of the world’s most popular online publications. Say what you want about humanity and the population’s declining IQ – I’m just positive about the fact that they’re trying.

7. ‘Alone and out with no make-up’

If only she was wearing a touch of lippy… perhaps she wouldn’t be so ‘alone’… (Besides, doesn’t the foetus count at least as half a companion?

8. Embracing her ‘curves’

You go girlfriend, make the most of what Mama Kardashian gave you! Or…well…what Kanye gave you. Whatever. You go.

9. ‘Gaining weight for a post-birth payout’

No joke. And lb’s for £’s DOES have a strangely poetic ring to it. Well, at least no one will have to look at those hideous imaginary 65lb for any longer than necessary. And somehow, Kimye will be rich. Unusually.

10.  ‘Finally mastering maternity wear’

….FINALLLLLY, we can all breath a sigh of relief. At least now we can all rest assured that no pregnancy style offences are being committed henceforth. No abortive suffocation here, folks. KK got herself a stylist.

What have the pregnant amongst us learnt from this public flaying of the cutest Kardashian bar the one inside of her? These next nine months are not a free-for-all ‘buffet’, sisters, so calm the fuck down: eat some salad, invest in a pair of Spanx (not the baby-killer kind), and pop on some make-up if you don’t want to lose the father of your child before the due date. Got that? Awesome. Next week we’ll begin with the mascara and wax regimen you’ll need on the day that you go into labour (lest you shock anyone with your untamed pubes while you poop on the delivery table.)
Good look growing a person.