I’m a woman and I like what I like when it comes to the party in my pants. And what I definitely don’t like is anal. In fact, since I lost my virginity to a certain MIC sleazeball at 15, I’ve done nothing but avoid bum-funnery at every opportunity.
Now, I know that a few of the ladies out there are total arse-penetration converts, I do. And all power to you. But the fact of the matter is that we’re now all expected to suspend disbelief and nod, wide-eyed, while every women’s magazine and beer-holding bar crawler waxes lyrical about ‘the female prostate’. And, I for one, literally smell bullshit.
I have spent many years trying out every backward-crab-esque sexual position out there, thinking it was the way to every man’s heart to be able to do upside-down-standing-69 in a rainforest shower, but things have changed. Now I can openly put my hands up and say that unless it’s a Saturday, there’s a full moon, I haven’t ingested four tons of macaroni cheese in the last half hour and I’m not on my period, I will happily be ‘crazy’ in bed (the rest of the time, missionary, spooning or lazy doggy is just fine.) Why? Because sex is sex however you do it, and I’m totally down with that in all its forms. The only game-changer is ‘rump ranging’: that thing I just won’t do.
I have a lovely man in my life that seems to really enjoy my pant party to which he is now the only man invited to. I want to make him happy all the time above and below the sheets, but surely playing Backdoor Buddies isn’t the answer (I’ve forever believed the answer was bacon, but apparently I’m wrong about that too.) He loves the bum: he’s so fascinated by it you would have thought he had been born sans derriere – but there’s no hiding the fact that every time a finger so much as wanders over into that forbidden territory, I suddenly turn into a bucking bronco, jumping six feet in the air like a scaled cat screaming out an appropriate rendition of Meatloaf’s ‘I would do anything for love’, emphasis on: ‘But I won’t do that.’
Telling a partner you don’t like anal is hard in this workaday world. You tell a man this, and they pretend that’s OK, until, y’know, it’s suddenly not OK. Because I have a sneaky suspicion that every man wants to become a backdoor-knocker, particularly if it’s unchartered territory (at least, all of those I’ve been ‘fortunate’ enough to do the horizontal tango with.) Dip your toe into modern sexuality and suddenly every man becomes Columbus – and your fudge corner, the Americas. But it’s a difficult conversation more so because unfortunately women’s sexuality is becoming more and more ‘fluid’: a vague amorphous thing, which can all too often be shaped into whichever form the man fucking her wants.
So, your boyf wants you to ‘just give it a cheeky try’. He’ll be ‘soft and gentle’, he cries, but no soft and gentle move known to humanity breaks a back door for nine days straight. Nine. That’s how long it takes for your bum to repair after it’s been dude-dived. So as much as I’m sure you’re all joining in a chorus of ‘Just Do It’, y’all sound like a Nike advert, and if Nike couldn’t get me running, you won’t get me making brownies.
In the last few years, I’ve been remarkably creative with ways to avoid posterior decorating out of sheer necessity. And in case you, like me, are a gal whose man is looking for love in all the wrong places when you’d rather just draw him a map to your vajayjay, then here are some Anal Avoidance tips I’ve found to be particularly effective. They’re tongue-in-cheek (not THAT way), but FYI, the only sex is consensual sex. If you’re not down with the brown, you’re not down with the brown; end of.
On to the tips.
Crotchless Panties - They frame your first prize so well that men forget there is even a second prize to be had.
Learn to deep-throat – Have your mouth become that cavernous hole he so craves.
Michael Bublé - No man on earth can ‘poo for two’ when that innocent face is crooning a popular ditty from the fifties in the background.
Don’t be a backseat driver- If you don’t like the route he is going, get in the driving seat; you tell him what to suck for a change.
Never doggy during the day - We all know what they’re looking at when they’re back there. If you doggy during the day, you are just showing the carrot to the ass. Or the ass to the carrot. Whatever – you’re asking for trouble.
‘You first, m’dear’ – (WARNING: This has been known to backfire. Pun only slightly intended.) Tell him you’ll do it, if he does it first. Then off to The Big Black Dildo Company you trot.
Tell him his dick is too big - Works a charm. He feels good about himself and you don’t feel like you’re shitting backwards. Everyone’s a winner.
And if all of this doesn’t work, and he’s still hankering for a drilling in the coal hole? The coup de grace:
Deny all sex - If he really wants to have sex with an asshole, he may as well have sex with himself.