The Vagenda

Down With The Brown

 

shocker
 
Occasionally, I find myself in a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’, having to justify the pleasure I get from anal. Eventually, inevitably, someone will throw it out there, and then glare around the room, Leviticus-style, seeking the guilty blush of the anal deviant. I always sigh and sip my gin, resigning myself to becoming known as ‘that weirdo who likes it up the arse’. Yes, I have done anal. And liked it. And will do it again. 
 
Despite the nickname, I quite enjoy talking about anal. I like reminding people of (Feminist) Sex Rule Numero Uno: all sex should be enjoyable and consensual. Sadly, though, butt sex has had a fair bit of bad press. Here are some answers to the standard questions my anal confessions spark. Maybe this will help you to explore your own or your partner’s body – or maybe it’ll just get you a little more informed, and possibly a little less judgemental.
WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THIS? BUMS ARE GROSS AND THAT’S WHERE POO COMES FROM
 
OK, so the ‘why would you do this?’ question always weirds me out a bit. I’m a happy, mentally healthy, 21 year old feminist. Why would I ever do anything sexual? For mutual, shared pleasure. Obviously. If I didn’t enjoy anal, I wouldn’t do it. Because that would be creepy. 
 
BUT THE POO?!?!?
 
Right, yes, poo comes from the bum. Equally, however, wee comes from the penis. Yet apparently it’s all right for people to put penises in their mouths. Personally, I get zero pleasure from giving head, mainly – seriously – because that’s where piss comes from. I don’t want dick in my mouth, so I don’t put dick in my mouth. But that’s just me; the rest of society seems to have given fellatio the sexy seal of approval, which is wonderful. But why is the connection between urine and the penis not a turn-off, but poo and the bum is? If everyone is on top of their hygiene, eating their fruits and veg, and you go to the toilet about an hour before, then being down with the brown really doesn’t have to involve any brown.
 
Like all sex, there is an ick factor, but for anal this caught me by surprise. The first time I did it, I didn’t use a condom. That, er, was an error. My boyfriend came in my arse, which sounds kinda porno-cool. Until ten minutes later when I farted. Or sharted? Well, neither and both. Basically, the cum in my butt exploded out with such force I had to check for a hole in my underwear. I found this entirely hilarious (farts and spunk? Comedy gold.) My boyfriend had no clue what was going on, and a combination of his increasingly confused/concerned face and the fact this would probably be the one and only time I would ‘jizz in my pants’ meant I laughed uncontrollably for five long minutes. Later, I let him in on the joke and we dubbed this the ‘butt sneeze’. We also opted for condoms in the future, because one novelty butt sneeze is enough to last a lifetime. 
 
DOESN’T IT REALLY HURT? I MEAN, PENISES ARE HUGE AND MY BUM IS TEENY TINY
 
The first time I did it, it hurt a bit. Just like loosing my vaginal virginity, the pain came from the skin stretching. But my awesome man-friend and I took things slow, we lubed up and he kept making arse jokes, y’know, to make me feel loved. The vagina self-lubricates; the anus doesn’t – so lube is crucial. Also, my partner had a pretty small penis and I guess that helped. Biological lottery ftw.
 
HMM. IF IT DOESN’T HURT AND IT ISN’T GROSS, DO YOU GUYS JUST DO IT BECAUSE, LYK, YOU BOTH JUST ACTUALLY WANT TO?
 
OK, so as I already mentioned, I only do sexy things I enjoy, and I do anal, which means it’s a sexy thing I enjoy. But, incidentally, as far as the ol’ ‘all guys want to do anal’ belief, that’s pretty much just a myth. We know this already, kids. We know pretty much anything which starts with ‘all *insert gender* want to do *insert activity*’ is not true. That’s basically Feminism 101. Let’s not patronise our man-friends by assuming we know their preferences because of their penises.
 
REALLY? BUT PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS DON’T HAVE PROSTATES, SO HOW CAN IT BE FUN?
 
True, people with penises enjoy anal sex because they have a prostate near the anus, which  many have claimed is similar to that eponymous female G-spot. Cis-girls don’t have this, so anal sex sensation won’t be as intense as when someone stimulates the clitoris. However, this is true of lots of part of the body which we get pleasure from like lips, scalps, nipples and a tonne of others. From a good amount of research, I know that that I get the tingles when someone touches my butt (also my earlobes and the palms of my hands, should anybody care.) So, yup, no sexual martyrdom, and nope, I’m not ‘putting up with it’. Imma say this one more time for you, kiddo: I genuinely enjoy it.
 
ALL RIGHT, FINE. BUT IT ISN’T SAFE. PLEASE DON’T DO IT – I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU ILL.
 
All sexual activity carries risk, because you’re mixing your body with someone else’s. Condoms, as always, are handy for preventing STDs (and for catching all that cum – again, as always.) Also, bum bacteria and vaginal bacteria are not mates, which is annoying because they’re really close neighbours. Going from anal to vaginal penetration without swapping condoms and cleaning the penis pretty much guarantees an infection. I don’t wipe from back to front, and I don’t fuck that way either. 
 
FAIR ENOUGH. IT DOESN’T SOUND THAT BAD ANYMORE. SHOULD I TRY IT?
 
Try a finger up there first and see what you make of it – no point running before you can walk. Maybe it’ll blow your mind, maybe you won’t care for it. At the very least, it’ll give you a good nickname through Freshers’ Week.
 
Always lube though. DO NOT forget lube.
 
LUBE LUBE LUBE.
 
Thanks for your attention, y’all.
 
-SC

6 thoughts on “Down With The Brown

  1. I’m glad I read this article and I always say that as long as sex is consensual and fun for everyone involved… then right one, whatever floats your boat. The only thing I dislike is when someone who does have anal looks down at me as a prude for not wanting to try it (not the author of the article, but a friend of mine). This then becomes a discussion of me being frigid/ prudish. I think we should all accept that different things turn different people on and not judge each other for it… or push them into it.

    On a completely different note, I had this discussion with a male friend of mine who was shocked that I had never tried anal because I’m black and apparently all black women love anal!!! I told him where to go!

  2. I sometimes enjoy anal sex, but I really enjoy a little anal play during sex – I couldn’t give a toss what other people think about me if they find out, the real problem is with [male] sexual partners. I once asked a sexual partner if he would have anal sex with me and his response was “I wouldn’t respect you if we did that”…can you imagine a partner saying that to you?! What made this particular case worse was that this guy had been anally fisted by another man after a brief experimentation with bisexuality, but generally speaking this is the attitude from many guys for women who like anal sex.

  3. Thanks for writing this – One thing people assume about me when I tell them I enjoy anal is that I’m somehow “naughty” or “dirty”, whereas to me it’s just a normal part of sex and no big deal. It is an acquired taste, but not for everyone.

    Tip – Anal by itself I find to be quite painful and too much, but when I’m stimulating the clitoris at the same time, it is the best thing ever.

    Enjoy!

  4. Thank you for writing this. I really appreciate the fact that there is someone on your site to provide the alternative viewpoint on this topic, after reading the rude, ignorant, and offensive post of several days past, which took the opposite stance.