My God, if there isn’t some crazy mad shit on the Cosmo US website this month. The first thing I feasted my eyes on was this (see above). Clearly, Cosmo are attempting to rebrand themselves as the Buzzfeed of men’s cocks, and I’m not one to stand in the way of that dream. It’s happened. Women’s interests have been boiled down to a novelty male elephant thong, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Oh, wait, here are some other women’s interests:
The pervert one confused me (I couldn’t give a toss about wedding rings, soz) so I clicked on it. It’s an article called ‘My sad happy ending’ and it’s about how this girl got a happy ending from a pervert even though she was a virgin. Oh my God, I thought, that sounds like sexual assault right there. What the hell was this guy doing to her?
‘ Although, Guilio never explicitly touched any of my party zones, he did certain moves that felt insanely sexual. He would slowly weave his fingers through my toes, he put his hands through my hair and pulled it gently. At one point, I thought I felt hot breath on my ears. “Is this what a normal massage is like?” I wondered. When the whole fiasco was over, I was on fire. I put on my clothes and Guilo was waiting for me in the hallway.’
So, a massage then.
After the massage, he takes her for a vegan meal followed by what she describes as some ‘zero-chemistry kissing’.
“Look at the time, it’s already 8:45pm! I better get to bed. Tomorrow is Saturday so…anyway you should go,” I told him.
‘I never ended up getting a happy ending from my first masseuse,’ writes Rosie ‘but I did learn something valuable: Don’t hook up with a man who gave you a great professional massage.’
In other words, this is the worst fucking anecdote I have ever read ever. I mean, Rosie, WHAT WAS THAT?
Never mind, though, because Cosmo have worked out the difference between making love and fucking (sorry f*cking)
In other words: Making love: sensual massage/ Fucking: thigh high boots
First up, as some on you on Twitter pointed out, you’re NOT ALLOWED to try and teach me anything on the subject of fucking if you refuse to even write the word properly. Cosmo seems untroubled by this, or the fact that tossing a scarf over your lamp is a massive fire hazard and you should never do it, ever. Also, isn’t it great how Cosmo sees a ‘hot outfit’ as ‘totally out of character’? And two days’ prep, WTF?
Cosmo continues the sexual binary it has invented out of thin air by putting forward the following distinctions:
(Lovemaking: slow/ Fucking: painful)
(Lovemaking: languorous oral sex/Fucking: Handcuffs. Why not both? Why does the cunnilingus have to be languorous? And why are you always trying to get me to engage in amateur porn?)
(That’s right. I’m going to give my vagina to you good and properly, and then wait expectantly for you to do things to do to it)
I don’t know where to start with this – ‘lovey-dovey’? Holding hands? How the hell do you hold hands while giving someone a handjob (that’s foreplay, right?). Surely you NEED your hands? The clue is in the name. Or does no one do that anymore? Do they just, like, caress each other?
I also love their tip to ‘make some noise’. Just indeterminate noise. Hum if you like, or blow raspberries. It made me think of Anchorman – ‘LOUD NOISES!!!!!’- and then I had to go and lie down for a minute, because I couldn’t breathe.
Also: CLOSE THE BACKDOOR. CLOSE IT. OR AT LEAST DON’T CALL IT THAT.
Gotta love a soulful climax. Complete opposite to letting him jizz on your tits, which is never soulful or romantic. Intimating that you’d pay him for sexual services is also not one for the lovemakers (blessed are the lovemakers, for they shall be called the daughters of Cosmo).
So yeah, all that was pretty barmy (although what guy doesn’t like to have his prefrontal cortex lit up- phwoar), but then I stumbled on the health section, which actually seemed…I dunno…OK?
Well, ish. The cancerous mole post was very thoughtful of them. But they seem to have developed an annoying new voice, which is basically that of Tyra Banks, and I now read everything on their website in that voice, which is fuck annoying and which I am worried will extend to other stuff, like the New Yorker or the label on the back of those zero noodles I bought in Holland & Barrett last week (vile, incidentally) in order to get that bikini bod Cosmo is so keen for me to have. Only time will tell.
Anyway, so then I found this article called ‘These are the men who think they know your body better than you do’, and it was this picture:
And then, for about five seconds, I felt a bit bad about being mean to Cosmo. Until I realised that they pretty much think they know my body better than I do, too. Granted, they don’t want to limit by access to abortion, but they do want me to film myself having sex in thigh high boots while a blazing inferno destroys my apartment. And that, my friends, is a bit of a bummer. I’ll let myself out through the backdoor.