The Vagenda

100 Things Every Twentysomething Needs To Realise About This List of 100 Things Every Twentysomething Needs To Realise

So I don’t know if you guys realised, but ‘Elite Daily’ (‘The Voice of Generation Y’ – I don’t know whether the name of the publication or its strapline makes me vom tiny little pieces of my blackened soul mixed with Wasabi curry more) has published a list of ’100 things every twentysomething needs to realise’. Nope, none of it is ‘your parents’ generation destroyed the possibility of you ever owning your own home’. Or ‘tattoos are definitely, definitely permanent’. Or ‘a Filet-o-Fish McDonalds meal after seven ciders always ends up liquefied on your bathroom floor, in some variation or another’. Basically, none of their tips are actually useful.

But you know what’s the next best thing to useful? HORRENDOUSLY INSULTING. And ‘Elite Daily’ (come on, I mean, who runs this thing? The Bullingdon Club?) have gone with their fair share of that. A few I take issue with:

3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women.”

I don’t really think we need a huge amount of commentary here, considering that the whole ‘hair removal being a social imperative’ thing hasn’t been the coolest Hackney warehouse to party at since, like, 2005. And the “double for women” thing? Sneak peek into reality: if you’re ever using the phrase “and that goes double for women” and it isn’t directly preceded with “men should be expected to have one orgasm per awesome sex session”, you’re probably being sexist.

4. If you eat enough pizza, you will turn into a tub of oily cheese.”

This hardly ever happens.

“6. Getting high gets old.”

You know, I’m not a massive advocate of rotting all your brain cells away on back-to-back showings of The Labyrinth, unending packets of cheese puffs and a heavy serving of THC (OK, I am), but still – have you seen celebrities? Approximately 50% of them are old men dancing into their seventies with a bong in one hand and a rolled-up £50 for their next hit of charlie in the other. There’s enough of them to prove that you often get old before getting high does (disclaimer: kids, don’t take drugs.) 

“11. Don’t date unless you think you may fall in love with them.”

Christ. The last person I ended up going out with for a year was the same one I affectionately referred to as ‘The Slug’ after our first date. We don’t all plan our weddings the moment we drink too many Cosmopolitans at a karaoke bar and embarass ourselves, y’know. Some of us just prefer a night on the town with a guy or gal who may or may not be soulmate material, when the alternative is ‘All By Myself’ in your apartment with a duvet audience, Bridget Jones style.

“19. The way people see you is just as important as the way you see yourself.”

Whoever wrote this really shouldn’t become a motivational speaker.

“30. More tongue is not the answer.” 

More tongue is ALWAYS the answer.

“32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker”

Totally. So after she says no, why don’t you just slip it in and see what she does? I think the worst part about this ‘tip’ is that it included its own totally lame hashtag. Then they followed it up with the hilariously self-referential ‘hashtags aren’t always appropriate’. BRING ME THE COMEDY AMBULANCE, YOU’RE KILLING ME.

“52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking.”

The preceding recommendation is that you ‘live in New York City for at least a year’. And you’re supposed to manage that without drugs?

“56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.”

I’m not sure whether ‘clean’ in this context actually refers to free from drugs or free from STDs. But “you are a whore”? Can’t even be bothered.

“63. They stopped making good music in the 90s.”

If you’re gonna do the whole granddad lecture about when they ‘stopped making good music’, like, really? The nineties?

“65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed.”

As if I don’t hear this from my mother enough. But no, I’m still not dating that guy with the weak chin and the penchant for lederhosen. I don’t care if he’s rich.

“67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes.”

Well, it’s awesome that growing a new penis and/or breasts is a viable option, then. 

“80. It is morally wrong to be obese.”

Yeah, I forgot about that passage in the Bible.

“84. Don’t drink cheap liquor.”

You guys are no fun. And rich.

“85. Don’t eat crap food.” 


99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn.

Well, that’s the Human Rights Act out the window, then. Also – I really hope somebody DIDN’T earn anything by writing this list (FYI, I didn’t for writing this one. Apart from the glowing knowledge of spreading beauty and joy which resides in my heart.)

And finally…

“100. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever.” 

Which is ironic, considering that 98% of everyone who reads to number 100 on the list hangs themselves. I guess you could call the surviving 2% who haven’t been battered down by this deluge of complete idiocy as ‘the Elite’.

15 thoughts on “100 Things Every Twentysomething Needs To Realise About This List of 100 Things Every Twentysomething Needs To Realise

  1. One of the most important things I learned in my twenties was:

    Realising that almost 100% of every magazine, newspaper and TV show is NOT there to inform you accurate or quality information – because they don’t need to invest the time. People buy whatever crap they put in there and they never get challenged on it’s appalling lack of accuracy. This includes news programs who just repeat press releases from companies/government or repackage Reuters stories.

    Real journalism, even by the BBC and broadsheets died at least two decades ago, most journalists know nothing about the topics they report on and don’t bother to find out, let alone try to link issues together or put it in a historical context. The majority of the news items are reporting on trifles and irrelevances, if you cannot remember what the major news items were two days ago, odds are they simply don’t matter.

  2. This is my personal favourite from that list:

    28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.

    29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go.

    • What warms my insides is that a lot of young people have the top comments and calling bs on this article, with lots of young guys pointing out it’s sexist. Hoorah!

  3. 32 nearly made me throw up. I’d like to see how many straight guys would contemplate being on the receiving end, every time anal is mentioned. As to the phrasing, how about you listen to what she says and not what you want? Disgusting self indulgent childish bullshit. Why is this still happening in such a casual way? Coercion is not OK and men in particular just don’t get that when it comes to sex. And don’t get me started on 3, just don’t or I will rant about it all day just as much as 32

    • It’s really, really messed up. I tried anal with two different boyfriends (at 8 year intervals) and each time, I nearly passed out from the pain (despite preparation), thankfully both times the guys were understanding.
      Definitely agree with you about how these guys who advocate forced entry would feel if they were on the receiving end.

    • Oh, and “56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.”

      Surely you’re not a whore unless you do it for money? Although we’ve already established that women are never free, so….

  4. “34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.

    35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.

    36. Women are never free.”

    The hipster children have confused me.

  5. I actually read this “100 Things Every Twentysomething Needs to know” As a 26 year old woman number 34,35 and 36 really made me question myself, was I a whore because I fell in love and slept with my boyfriend without waiting or playing to rules. He isn’t bored yet we have been together for four months and have already planned a holiday next year. Women are never free? this statement is very powerful and again I had to think really hard about it, are we free? what did this mean? Is it the constraints of childbirth that don’t make us free or is it the fact that we will never be able to behave or do the things a man might do? I feel there is some truth in that as we are judged as women not even by men but sometimes more so by other women.

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