The Vagenda

Enough With The Sexy, Skimpy Mrs Claus Costumes: Winter is the Least Erotic Time of the Year

sexysanta

Does ice and snow get you all hot and bothered? Do gale force winds blow your mind? Does the promise of constant hard and heavy rain get you dripping we-… well, you know what I mean.
 

No? Well, that’s odd. Because I think you’ll find that winter is an extremely sexy time of year.

It kicks off with Halloween. We all dress up as our favourite animal, but as we imagine they’re seen by a potential mate – cats in fishnet stockings, mice in corsets, guinea pigs in high heeled shoes – and head out into the dark. Consider, for instance, the ‘sexy shark’:

 

Just one week later, we stand in parks and wave sparklers, wearing dresses that accentuate our Catherine Wheels. Next up is the pinnacle of the sexy season – it’s Christmas. Yes, apparently it’s time to dust off that highly flammable velour Mrs Santa costume that we just knew we’d get so much wear from, and start straddling his oiled-up turkey baster (Such outfits only really work if you’re Katy Perry and there’s absolutely no risk of you making contact with any sprouts while wearing it. But feel free to enjoy this Ann Summers’ version, complete with ridiculously teeny tiny hat.)

 

Just when you think you’re spent, New Year’s Eve comes around with the annual challenge of looking both insanely hot while wearing something more sparkly than the Sainsbury’s Basics Cava vomit you’ll bring up after midnight in a deluge of tears and mini salmon quiche canapes a wonderful magical (sexy) fairyland. Such as this NYE 2013 recommendation from the Huffington Post:

Finally, once you’ve ushered in the Totally Fabulous New Year, you’ll naturally head off to bed wearing sequin pants and a transparent nightie with detachable hairband halo, exhausted from spending the entire evening turning down marriage proposals.

Does that sound like you?

Yeah, no. Didn’t think so. If you’re anything like me – i.e. hardly ever turned on by Code Red weather warnings – you’ll be happy if you can just get through the whole winter without losing one of your gloves. Losing your inhibitions in a sexy shark costume is not on the menu. In fact, the only thing on the menu should be what’s ON the menu: chocolates filled with gooey substances, Christmas puddings so drenched in alcohol that they remain on fire for hours, roast potatoes slathered in some kind of lard. Pretending that the wife of a fat, white-bearded old battleaxe who spends all year commanding elf slave labour in a factory where it’s always cold would be sexy, scantily-clad and always ‘up for it’ is one fantasy step too far.
Women, we need to face the facts: winter is the least sexy of all the seasons (closely followed by summer – too hot; autumn – too leafy; and spring – we lose a WHOLE HOUR’S SLEEP, so screw it.) This time of year is not the glam-fest that advertising and glossy magazines would have us all believe. It’s just three nippy months, in which I spend most of my time tucking thicker and thicker tops into my tights. 

Here are some examples of winter-based marketing that do not speak to me:

Dress up like a disco ball for your Christmas party and dance ‘til the small hours!

No. NO NO NO NO. This is the party I’ll inevitably leave early because I’ve got a stomach ache from eating too many sausage rolls. I’ll be home by half ten. The only small hours-based dancing to be done is the onesie jig when I need the loo in the middle of the night then realise that extricating myself from that soft, soft material actually takes effort.
Party the night away this New Year in a dress that barely covers your unmentionables!

Yeah, could do. OR I could stay in and see what happens if I melt a whole bag of marshmallows into a hot chocolate.

Be his ideal stocking filler by dressing up as a naughty little elf!

To be honest, I think he’d prefer a DVD. And didn’t all the naughty elves get fired.

Heat up those chilly winter nights by surprising your man with this transparent chemise!

Well, yes, that will surprise him, but mainly because I’ll be wearing it over my pyjamas. So he’ll be like, “What’s that weird plastic-bag-type thing that’s obscuring my usual view of Eeyore in an igloo?” And I’ll be like, “Transparent chemise. Pass my book.”

Advertising and catalogues are valiantly persisting in telling us that winter is the height of sexual awakening and we’re doing it all wrong. I admire that sort of dedication, I do, but the fact remains that this is just not a sexy time. It’s a time for wearing 100 denier tights, sitting under a blanket, and burning ourselves on hot water bottles because we were using our dominant hand to stuff another cinnamon donut into our awaiting mouths. There are animals that go into hibernation during these godforsaken months. We’re still awake. This should be celebrated as an achievement in itself, rather than a reason to hang suspenders off us.

You can show me as many pictures of girls wearing festive lingerie as you like. You can try and convince me that I need to wrap myself up under the Christmas tree and beg for the next passing man’s baubles. You can throw all the supposedly guilt-inducing flat stomachs and cheekily raised eyebrows at me, tied with a bow.

But you know what? I know that as soon as that shoot’s over, this model will be back home in her slippers with her bum pressed against the radiator like the rest of us.
Viva Yuletide, the unsexiest time of the year. Long may it last.

-CB

12 thoughts on “Enough With The Sexy, Skimpy Mrs Claus Costumes: Winter is the Least Erotic Time of the Year

  1. I feel sexiest in the Autumn and winter! ;) I can indulge in all those layers, cowl scarves, arm warmers, thick tights or tight jeans and stompy bovver boots. I can wear all the black I like and I don’t feel too hot and bothered like I do in the summer. I feel tough and strong and that makes me feel sexy. Not exactly society’s idea of sexy but that’s their problem. Feel my sexy vibes and spangly, skimpy Santa outfits be damned!

  2. What’s wrong with couples enjoying a bit of festivity in the bedroom? I own an Ann Summers skimpy Santa outfit, and guess what, my partner loved it, and it was fun, and we enjoyed each other’s bodies despite it being such a “non sexy time of the year”.
    These shops market themselves as sex shops, so their advertising space is quite reduced, they aren’t shoving anything down your throat. Don’t like it? Don’t consume. And don’t shame my sex life for indulging in that kind of thing.

  3. I have to jump in here because I don’t think that, by stating a preference for non-Christmas themed lingerie and granted, indulging in a bit of piss-taking, anyone is ‘shaming your sex life.’ What the author is taking issue with is the implication (usually from marketeers) that dressing up as sexy Mrs Claus is something that women should be doing during the festive season. I agree with her and on a personal level find them hilarious. I don’t think that the fact that some women use them and enjoy using them means the costumes are then exempt from mockery. I mean, if we can’t joke about these things then what is democracy for exactly?

    Also, there is nothing in the article that could even remotely be read as shaming of women who buy these products. Indeed, the whole tone is a pastiche of advertising language.

  4. “Losing your inhibitions in a sexy shark costume is not on the menu. In fact, the only thing on the menu should be what’s ON the menu..” – no need to slam people who would enjoy doing just that by telling them that they shouldn’t.

    “Women, we need to face the facts: winter is the least sexy of all the seasons” – The author is not only imposing a standard of sexy, but to a season.

    The whole tone of the article is a relatively bitter one, consistently opting out of festivity for food or hibernation. It’s one thing to prefer celebrating (or not celebrating) that way, it is another to take the piss out of everyone else who engages in it.

    ” the fact remains that this is just not a sexy time” – again I don’t even understand how an entire season can be deemed “not sexy”, like human sexuality should come to a halt, and damn those who don’t keep it in their pants.

    ” I know that as soon as that shoot’s over, this model will be back home in her slippers with her bum pressed against the radiator like the rest of us.” – Oh you know do you? Just like you know that these sexy outfits don’t appeal to anyone and that winter is such an unsexy time of the year. In that sense, you may be right, my bum will be pressed against the radiator – from shagging on it. In a skimpy Santa outfit.

    Sure you can joke about these things, but I can call you out on it too – yay for freedom of speech (which I’m sure is what you meant by democracy)

  5. Naommmi, I think perhaps you are taking this all a tad too literally. I’m quite sure the author is delighted that you are having plenty of sexy sex this festive season and you’re jingling your husbands bells all the way!

  6. Naommmi, this article isn’t one of the serious Vagenda ones, it’s a piss-take of advertising speak and clearly lighthearted. This should be pretty obvious from the continuation of the sentence you cherry-picked above: “Women, we need to face the facts: winter is the least sexy of all the seasons (closely followed by summer – too hot; autumn – too leafy; and spring – we lose a WHOLE HOUR’S SLEEP, so screw it.)” This blog is liberally littered with references to the fact that women enjoy sex and – more specifically – that all women should be entitled to enjoy sex in whatever way they so choose. Considering how in that sentence she says ALL the seasons are unsexy – if she genuinely believed that and was suggesting women should abstain year-round, would it be in the Vagenda? If you find winter sexy, good on you! What the author is saying is that it’s not a given, as the marketers seem to believe that it should be. I wholeheartedly hope you enjoy your sexy Santa outfit and applaud your dedication to the sexy cause.