The Vagenda

Could you be ‘London’s Perfect Girlfriend’?


…because I’m fucking not.

Ironic, how just as I’m doubting my own abilities as a girlfriend, this little puppy of a press release lands in my inbox, courtesy of a bemused journalist:

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Nice, huh? So basically last night I had a huge row with my boyfriend. So huge that I actually thought we might break up (the row was about a pie – I am not joking). I did not, however, mourn ‘appropriately’ – the night ended with me and my friend Kate finger pointing to Jane Weidlin’s Rush Hour while sloshing warm prosecco all over the kitchen floor, so I suspect I might need some girlfriend lessons. Or lessons on how not to suppress my
emotions using alcohol. Hell, probably both.

Thankfully, here she is, my muse, ‘London’s Perfect Girlfriend’. I have, it seems, much to learn from her. And I quote:

‘London’s ‘perfect girlfriend’ is 5ft 6 inches tall, drinks white wine, has no tattoos and supports local team Tottenham, it has been revealed.’

I am 5ft6 inches if I stoop and flatten my hair a bit, AND I drink fuckloads of white wine: SCORE. I don’t support Tottenham, so already my perfection is coming into question, but I’m doing well so far.

‘A study of 2,000 men by location based dating app [REDACTED SO AS NOT TO PROMOTE THESE BASTARDS] also found that men in London like a woman with a foreign accent, who drive an Audi
TT, is a meat-eater and loves a roast dinner.’

I don’t technically have a foreign accent, but I grew up in Wales and can do a pretty convincing North Walian accent if forced. I’m not sure how sexy it is and it kind of reminds me of the guy I lost my virginity to but hey, it’s something. I also LOVE a roast dinner, and having been a forced veggie for twelve years of my life, will now eat pretty much any part of an animal. Last time I went to France I had pig’s colon!! Could it be that I might actually be London’s perfect girlfriend?

Ok, so I don’t drive. Even if I did I’d never drive an Audi, because I am not a letting agent called Andy.

Like other British men they would like to date a teacher or nurse with brown hair and think it’s more attractive if she wears makeup – but only subtly.’

Both professions which crop up in porn a lot (coincidence?) and which, outside of porn, involve caring for
vulnerable people, a typically feminine activity which chimes with thousands of years worth of patriarchal gender roles. Nice! I’m impressed, men of London.

But be warned, nurses and lady teachers of London, your years of training and underpaid labour and long hours are only worth so much as far as your perfectionability goes. If you go about no make-up (or too much), the men of London won’t be impressed. We’re talking the ‘natural look’ here, as favoured by women’s magazines: a look which apparently makes it appear as though you’re not wearing any make-up despite the fact that you’ve been goaded into buying fifteen different products to achieve the finished result. And you thought your public sector job was hard, bitches.

‘Weighing a healthy 9st, she’s a 34C who enjoys listening to a bit of pop music and her favourite movie is the Patrick Swayze classic – Dirty Dancing.’

Let’s break this shitlist down.

9st? Not since I was 21, you bunch of cunts. Now I feel really bad about myself.

34C? At most I am a B, but to be honest, only when I’m on the blob. Most of the time I’m more like an A. So I’m fat and I have small tits, basically. I’m Lena Dunham! (“No, her stomach isn’t huge, it’s just that her boobs are really small – it’s an optical illusion”)

And Pop music is OK, I suppose. The last song I listened to was ‘Bloody Motherfucking Asshole’ by Martha Wainwright. That counts, right?

Oh, and I’ve never seen Dirty Dancing. Do I need to hand my vagina back in now? Or should I just give it to the men of London, on a plate? It would solve a lot of problems, it seems.

‘When asked to choose a celebrity who resembles their perfect girlfriend, Kelly Brook was London and the nation’s most popular choice, followed by Denise Van Outen then Kiera Knightley and Katy Perry.’

Talk about a mixed bag! I do not resemble any of these women, but I could potensh pass for Katy Perry in the right light, if I stopped eating for a couple of months and dyed my hair black and stopped calling myself a feminist. Potensh.

‘Friends is her current favourite television show closely followed by Location, Location, Location and Coronation Street.’

Friends? Was this survey conducted ten years ago? It’s not even on anymore.

The press release, which is probably being uploaded to MailOnline this very second, continues:

‘We know that everyone has a favourite hair colour and sometimes even eye colour and height.

But we think that avoiding a woman because she might support an opposing football team or enjoy a different genre of films to you, might be being a bit too picky.’

No shit, guys? Really?

‘It was also found that the perfect partner enjoys a wide range of hobbies, with reading, going out to dinner and travelling as their favourites.’

Those are literally EVERYONE’S favourite hobbies, as evidenced by their dating profiles.

‘They also love to go to bars with their friends, watching a live band every so often and are careful with what they eat – without being too strict.’

So much for that regular roast dinner they wanted me to snaffle. ABORT ABORT.

‘Men like a girl who likes to watch football and would prefer them to wear either skinny jeans or miniskirts.’

The rage is becoming strong now.

‘Researchers also found that the perfect girlfriend needs to be adventurous in the bedroom, is happy to embark in a bit of role-play and experiment with different positions.’

Role-play, huh? Like being a sexy nurse, or perhaps a teacher? Or Denise Van Outen? Or some kind of nurseteacher nineties ladette hybrid?

‘And men don’t want a woman who can just impress them; they want a girlfriend who will get on with the other important woman in their life too – their mum.’

Fuck your mum. She made you. Seriously, fuck her.

‘But after all that, three quarters of the single men who responded to the study said they don’t think they will meet their perfect woman and will have to compromise instead.’

At which point I begin playing the world’s tiniest violin.

‘And more surprising still, two in five men already in a relationship think their current wife or girlfriend isn’t the perfect woman for them.’

Thus comes the realisation that, not only am I too angry and flat-chested to be London’s perfect
girlfriend, but I’m probably not even my boyfriend’s perfect girlfriend. Thanks bullshit press release, your sexism just made my hangover ten times worse. I’m off to bake a literal humble pie while watching Dirty Dancing now, you pricks.

34 thoughts on “Could you be ‘London’s Perfect Girlfriend’?

  1. Whilst I have no quibbles at all with what you have written, it stuck me that this does have some positive aspects. This ‘perfect girlfriend’ has:

    A) Not just a job, but one with a clear career available
    B) Property (expensive car at least)
    C) Clear hobbies and interests
    D) Sexually free

    I imagine if we were to time warp ourselves back to the 80′s (see what I did there ?) and asked the same imaginary men these people did, would these four items be present ? I suspect not. Times are a-changing and slowly, slowly for the better.

  2. I think the above comment misses the point. The point is that a person – male or female – should be loved for who they are and their individuality, not made to feel they have to tick a set of boxes and that they are somehow imperfect if they deviate from that list.
    This made me laugh out loud all the way through – brilliant piece.

  3. Naw, this is no-one’s Perfect Woman, it’s a description of a bunch of averages, and as such has no bearing on the individual. The average family famously has 2.3 children. That perfect 5 foot 6 could easily be an average over a bunch of men who love their shorties short and a bunch of other men who like a tall lady. Unless they discounted outliers and corrected for skew…I read a book on statistics once. Can you tell?

  4. So the men around us aren’t seeking a stereotype at all?! Still, I guess it’s just as well to finally have it in black and white – could it be the skeleton of a new ‘he’s just not that into you’ or ‘the rules’?

  5. I thought this was hilarious. It reminds me of my ‘perfect guy’ list that I started when I was 14 and I add to everytime I break up with a bloke in a fit a strongbow drunken fury. But those type of lists never work, for instance I have never yet dated a guy who ‘has delicious chocolate brown hair’ and when I did date a guy who understood my weird obsession with legoland he still turned out to be a c*nt. A ticklist will NEVER work.
    But either way this was still hilarious.

  6. I disliked this article – I think you’re being overly touchy. I’m sure many of us have mentally created a “perfect boyfriend”, fully knowing that nobody is perfect and that we aren’t actually looking for someone who fulfils these criteria and these alone. How is this any different?

  7. I was enjoying this article until I got to the end and realised that it fails entirely to address the issue of race- or is that a non-issue for the author? As long as the ‘perfect girlfriend’ is caucasian then you’re halfway there right?

    • We were thinking about that but it said ‘brown hair’ and ‘foreign accents’ were preferences so we couldn’t find anywhere in the article where the ‘perfect girlfriend’ was specifically white (she sounded in some parts of the original press release to be potentially Latina) except in the celeb comparisons, and didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but you’re right, it is an issue and we’ll take care to keep an eye out in future

  8. Ha. And how exactly is a nurse or teacher going to afford an Audi TT? And stay at 9 stone while eating roast dinners? These things take a certain amount of steely resolve & (in the case of the TT) rampant capitalism, & its obvious these chaps are looking for a soft, sweet, pliable nurturer.

    But, ladies, fortunately we have recourse to the good old tradition of lying.. Not a nurse? Just say you are. I did this with a gang of friends at the pub once & I can not tell you how funny it was, we literally could not get rid of the throngs of men. I was scared by how well it worked.

  9. This had me in stitches. When I write, this is how I write. This is also how I speak. Might be why some find me intimidating but confusingly appealing at the same time.

    Who’d want to be London’s ‘perfect’ girlfriend anyway? During the many trips to London from my base in Reading, I have not found a single individual of the male persuasion remotely attractive (apart from maybe Michelangelo’s David, but then he’s got a small winkie). They all like sitting in ‘bars’ and wearing sassy designer shirts while sporting tans half a shade off amber and wearing their hair in styles that fashion magazines refer to as ‘vintage’ but that I can only refer to as ‘shit’.

    More of your stuff please!

  10. 5’6″ and 9st is a BMI of 20… The lower end of the ‘healthy middle’ ground…
    Yet the press release sounds so proud it is in the ‘healthy’ range :(

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