The Vagenda

Sex Tips for Misogynists: How Feminism Made You Shit in Bed

feminist-poster-copy

Feminists! Stop burning your bras for a second and listen up: feminism has made you bad in bed.  Fortunately for us all, Men’s Health have brought this key piece of information to our attention as part of their groundbreaking list of ’15 Ways To Turn A Good Girl Bad’. Australian Men’s Health and Yahoo have teamed up to solve the big Feminist issue that has been casting a shadow over the lives of men across the planet, which is lazy lady partners who plain suck in bed, or as the case maybe don’t suck enough, amiright lads? Luckily Men’s Health recruited the help of not one, but SIX, sexperts to help rectify their readers’ other halves poor performance in the sack.  The key thing to remember here is that women need to be trained in the art of pleasing men sexually, much like a dog needs to be trained not to shit in the kitchen. Those innocent little dolls can’t be expected to harbor an innate sexual appetite; they require some male teaching to turn them into ‘bad girls’ in the bedroom.

One piece of advice from the column is:

“In the past few decades, women have learnt that orgasms, like voting and equal pay, are their right,” 

This tide of female emancipation has led to a “princess-and-the-pea syndrome” – her “pea” gets all the attention, while everything else gets sidelined.

“The pea’s demands will eclipse those of your penis,” warns Spurr. So stand up for your rights, man!”

So there we have it! All these luxuries like voting and equal pay have made you into a demanding princess obsessed with the ‘pea’ rather than the peen. By pea, I mean clitoris, obviously. Clitoris is such a vulgar, unladylike word though, just like vagina, which Men’s Health has helpfully renamed the ‘tunnel of love’. It would appear that for the editors of the Aussie Men’s Health time froze in the good old days when the female libido was a myth, a man owned his wife and sex existed only for male gratification. In this parallel universe where women’s liberation hasn’t yet begun maybe Men’s Health feel it acceptable to encourage men to take decision making away from women.

The author presents a woman’s advocacy in a sexual relationship as inconvenient to men and something that should be manipulated to male advantage. The title alone upholds the oppressive slut vs. prude paradigm by using good and bad girl stereotypes. It’s truly offensive to both men and women to suggest facilitating a female orgasm and catering to female sexual needs comes at the cost of male sexual fulfillment. Perhaps the most shocking part about this article is that it’s written by a woman. A woman named Siski Green who is the published author of real, actual books about sex. Additionally five of the sex experts quoted are also female. The mind boggles.

Here are a few top tips to make your lady great in bed ‘without her even noticing’:

‘If she’s shy, tires easily on top (or she just doesn’t fancy you), turn her around to face your feet’

Don’t let a minor detail like physical or emotional attraction get in the way of getting laid. If she doesn’t fancy you just turn her round so she doesn’t have to look at your grunting sex face- problem solved!

“Getting her to the level of orgasm can be a hard slog,” admits Spurr. So stage your own industrial revolution and bring some machinery to bed.

Men’s Health recommends using a sex toy to reduce the effort required in achieving the tedious female orgasm. It’s best just to get it out of the way as quickly as possible so your partner can focus all her attention on your pleasure alone.

If her tunnel of love doesn’t feel as snug as you’d like, sign her up for a pilates course.

As we all know there is nothing worse than a woman with a baggy vagina. If your lady’s fanny isn’t providing a ‘snug’ fit then just forcibly send her to an exercise class.

Chastity seems an odd tactic for sex-life improvement, but stay with us. “Sometimes women become sexually defensive or shy, because their partner is always there first, asking or angling for some action,” according to relationship counsellor Paula Hall. “Stop asking and you may find her sexual appetite gets the better of her, revealing a hunger that brings out her more confident side.” Try backing off for 14 days.

If you partner is particularly uncooperative in meeting your sexual demands then consider emotional manipulation. Withholding love and physical affection should coerce your beloved into putting out.

“By wearing a blindfold, you allow her to explore her naughtier side without feeling self-conscious, like she’s being observed or appraised,” reveals Dubberley. But hopefully not so naughty that she nips downstairs to watch Neighbours.

This is a really helpful tip as everyone knows that all women love watching soaps and aren’t that keen on shagging.  I’ve lost count of the times I’ve blindfolded a lover under the guise of BDSM just so I could watch the Emmerdale omnibus in peace.

Despite the clearly top-notch quality of advice provided by Men’s Health, a guy can never have enough information when it comes to the perplexing mystery known as woman. I have a few of my own sexpert pieces of advice for dealing with those pesky modern women and their peas. First and foremost always remember that women are not walking vaginas there to service the sexual needs of men. Sex is most enjoyable when both partners feel comfortable and open. Ask your ‘princess’ about her sexual preferences and tell her about yours. Using two-way communication will increase the intimacy between you and your partner. Discuss your desires together in a respectful manner and then only act them out with the agreement of both parties.  Trying to control a woman’s sexual performance ‘without her even noticing’ is not only dancing dangerously upon that line known as ‘consent’, but also a guaranteed ticket to a failed relationship in addition to your miserable sex life.

- Kayleigh Bell

15 thoughts on “Sex Tips for Misogynists: How Feminism Made You Shit in Bed

  1. Oh, these selfish, selfish, feminist women! How unreasonable of them to expect their main organ of sexual pleasure to be involved/stimulated during sex! They should just forget about their ‘pea’ and concentrate on keeping their vaginas tight to please the penis! Never mind that there are almost no nerve endings in the vagina, so just plain old penetrative sex gives most women limited pleasure and little chance to orgasm! It shouldn’t be about that, after all! Isn’t there a higher purpose to participating in sexual activity, after all? Like having your man come? Just let go of the pernicious expectation to enjoy it as well, which feminism has instilled in you, and all will be fine. Most importantly, your man will be happy, because if you don’t even expect to orgasm and just ‘do it’ for him, he doesn’t even have to try look for the ‘pea’.

  2. I think you got a little carried away: the advice about backing off if you keep bugging your partner for sex is good advice. It actually said “stop asking” not “withhold any kind of affection”. 14 days also seems like a good length of time to wait though I would suggest maybe having a serious talk about your differing opinions on how frequently you should have sex as opposed to just going back to bugging them all the time.

    Otherwise I totally agree with you.

    • Amen, was going to say this. Backing off could help to address a slightly unhealthy dynamic of a mismatch in sexual confidence or libido; I think in a healthy relationship both of you ought to sometimes be initiating. This is good advice for men and women.

    • Also, jokes about neighbours aside, lots of women *do* suffer from self-consciousness that ruins their fun in the bedroom. Maybe a blindfold isn’t terrible advice.

    • I agree. I thought that backing off meant stop initiating/requesting sex, because you might be making her feel pressured which will turn her off, but if you back off and give her some time and space to get comfortable, she’ll initiate when she’s ready and if you’re in the mood when she initiates, then great. That doesn’t mean stop being affectionate and supportive.

    • Some of the advice would actually be progressive and helpful if it was just worded better – as in less patronising and misogynistic, and instead more About understanding your partner and being in tune with their conduct.

  3. Love this.

    On a related note, does anyone else frequently find themselves shouting “F*****g talk to each other!” at sex columns? I feel like it happens ALL THE TIME. Whether it’s the above ridiculousness, or Cosmo telling you to look at a guy from under your eyelashes while tilting your head just so to get him to do some particular activity… the solution just seems so simple to me.

  4. LOL!
    i loved the article and i am also shocked of all these horrible tips men get these days on websites. no wonder no man can lick a clit like a pro! they get misdirected.

  5. 1. The stop-begging-for-sex thing is a good idea I think.
    2. The “turn her around” thing is rubbish in so many ways…what kind of shy girl would rather you look at her ass?? (Personally, if I’m feeling shy, I lean forward onto their chest…but if someone’s really shy, should the focus not be on solving that, rather than allowing you to orgasm regardless?) Let alone the fact that tiring easily isn’t changed by doing reverse cowgirl, and if you aren’t attracted you absolutely shouldn’t be having sex with eachother I mean come on.

    3. Toys might be a good idea, but not with that attitude! No wonder these men are shit in bed.

    4. Blindfold…sexist joke aside, this is almost a good tip.

    5. Piss off about “snugness”, good grief. What even was that article? It could have been “How to MUTUALLY improve your sex life!” all about how it’s not an either/or thing, or it could have been “Signs you should break up with your partner” (Sign 1: Bringing them to orgasm feels like a chore.)

  6. From Vagenda About page
    “Do we care about how to give the perfect blowjob? No (because we already do)”
    Come on girls, you’ve really let yourselves down. Yes, even you, do care and you do worry about not living up to what your man wants – even if you’d rather not be doing it in the first place.
    Isn’t that the mindset which keeps you shackled?
    On the whole – keep up the great work – but take care with witty repartee destroying the message.

  7. Reminds me a guy on a sex forum I used to post on, who wrote about tricking his wife into deepthroating hanging over the side of the bed. He boasted about forcing his dick down her throat while pinning her down until she did what he wanted. And still boasted that he never bothered to talk about it with her, he just did lots of times for her to understand that’s what he wanted instead of damn well talking to her. Makes me sick

  8. I hate being labelled a bad girl or a good girl. Basically meaning kinky or frigid. I’m ‘bad’ with people I fancy, people who RESPECT me – not for their behalf, that’s just how I want to be around someone who speaks to me like I’m not just a vagina. I’ll be ‘good’ on the other hand, if you’ve made me feel like just a vagina – I won’t be comfortable in myself so won’t initiate or encourage anything. If you look at sex advice columns – you will never have good sex, the fact that you’re treating your partner as an alien that you can look up on google intimates that neither of you are open emotionally or physically which equals distant, silent, forced, boring and awkward sex.

  9. Hahaha, this is hilarious!!! Cldn’t stop laughing at this:
    I’ve lost count of the times I’ve blindfolded a lover under the guise of BDSM just so I could watch the Emmerdale omnibus in peace.

    But clearly a v sad article and msg that men, prob mostly teenage boys or unconfident, less experienced men are being given…

  10. I think what Kayleigh was trying to do was showing how ‘sexperts’ when writing to this type of audience take what could be positive steps, i.e stop badgering, and exploring fantasy, and putty and greasy sheen of male entitlement on them. The article in question seems to have taken those few discursive steps forward in exploring female desire and placed them back into the hands of men who are frustrated by ‘wimmins’ demanding they be comfortable and pleasured during sex. How dare we!

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