Those days when you’re wearing the wrong knickers. Those days. Itching, hoiking, pulling, pinging — there’s no peace to be found in bad pants. A woman in the wrong knickers is a woman disarmed.
So tell me this: on a day when you’re meant to be looking and feeling good, why are you planning to stuff your backside into torture knickers?
Because bridal magazines. Because wedding industry. However savvy she is, however much she knows that the Cautionary Tale Of Liz Jones says never to believe magazines, an engaged lady is a vulnerable lady. There is a lot to do and there’s an awful lot to buy and in most cases, you haven’t done this before. The mags tell you that they know better. That they know best.
Convention says white lace. One bridal mag says stockings. Another says suspenders. Agent Provocateur makes like you can rule the world in a cream silk teddy. One Instagram account recommends a black latex minidress, which will be extra fun for summer brides – who doesn’t want to squeak and sweat their way through the day? Even though you’re a pack-of-five stripy cotton briefs kind of cat, you’re taken in.
Stop there. In just the same way that no amount of rose-petal-flinging and candle-lighting makes for romance, so no amount of white lace pant (and in the case of much lingerie, it really is a very small amount) is going to add to the brilliance or happiness of your wedding.
Perish the thought that on your wedding night (when roughly half of couples don’t Do It anyway, despite massive social pressure), your husband should see you exactly as he’s seen you in the preceding months and years.
He will be longing, when drunk and tired, to be faced with not only with extracting you from your dress, but also an extravagantly cantilevered sex truss worthy of Betty Page. Naturally he’s been planning his wedding pants for months. Oh, wait, what do you mean he’s in his Normal Pants? His fucking Normal Pants?
My newlywed advice to you is short and gentle: wear your favourite comfy pants. The ones you wear when it’s going to be a long old day. The ones you wear with a Fame t-shirt to watch Hollyoaks and eat straight out of the fridge at the weekend. The ones you know fit you, not the ones you bought a year before the wedding in anticipation you’d diet down to a size you last were when you were in primary school. Make your wedding pants your something old, not your something blue.
If you would prefer them for your something new, try the crazy soft microfibre ones from Marks and Sparks. There is never a bad day in these. Splash out and get a five pack for the honeymoon – why not? You’re a newlywed, after all. Go wild.
And if you fancy something snazzier than usual, save it for the morning after the wedding when you have plenty time and far less to think about: Mimi Holliday, Elle Macpherson and Accessorize pants are wearable, pretty and sized to fit rather than to agonise.
Follow this advice and you will look and feel like you, which is the only thing that really matters when it comes to wedding styling. Trust me – I’ve been there.