The now-defunct Teenopendiary was my first ever foray into internet blogging. When I was fourteen, I’d spend hours on there moaning about my parent’s divorce and writing dubious poetry about boys from school, all in tiny six point Arial on large expanses of emo white. The Teenopendiary community was one built around attention-seeking and co-dependency, and the more ‘emotional’ you appeared to be the more comments you got. In a way I suppose it predated the ‘u ok hun?’s of Facebook. It certainly offered more sympathy than Msn Messenger, which was crawling with people more popular than me at school who weren’t as into Taking Back Sunday.
The first guy I fell in love with on Teenopendiary was a nineteen year old emo kid with one of those fringes I was really into at the time, the sort that you could just about see through as you were glancing up at a camera lens held somewhere above your head. I really dug that camera angle. He was a student at Oxford University which, in retrospect, made the fact that he was spending an inordinate of time hanging on a blogging platform for teenagers just a tad strange. But I was thinking about applying to Oxford and thought that maybe he could get me in. I was so into him that I scrolled all the way back to when he had started his diary and read from the very beginning. I just fell like I had to know all of him. I barely remember anything of the content now, apart from an anecdote in which he talked about his girlfriend locking herself in the bathroom, something which just seemed so coolly dramatic and which I couldn’t wait, myself, to do. I don’t think that Teenopendiary guy and I ever exchanged more than a few words (he used to comment on my photos and tell me I was pretty) but he had the clearest, most beautiful green eyes I’d ever seen, and I’ve never forgotten them.
***
After school, I’d usually spend about five or six hours on Msn Messenger talking to people with whom I’d just spent the entire day in a classroom not talking to. The Instant Messaging Service was sort of a leveller in that the hierarchical structure of school popularity went completely out of the window. No one really knew how to cope. It was as though there were two parallel worlds going on at once, and never the twain shall meet. It was an unspoken rule that what happened on Msn Messenger stayed on Msn Messenger. As such, I spent most evenings talking to a guy in my class who wouldn’t have dreamt of exchanging a single word with me in school. Indeed, the only reason he was talking to me at all was because he’d broken his leg after falling off a skateboard and had to stay home. He later became one of my best friends, but only after he had torn my teenage heart out and resolutely stamped on it. As soon as we became friends in real life we stopped talking on the internet at all, and now we joke about how I was the only one who fancied him when he was fat.
It was around this same time that I started to go to gigs in a nearby seaside town, and immediately fell in love with the lead singer of a band specialising in Sum 41 covers. He had purple spiky hair and I was convinced that he was the man for me, so I looked up the band’s website and sent him an email. He replied immediately and we became Msn buddies. It wasn’t until about three or four weeks later, when I met up with him in the town centre, that I realised that I had been flirting not to the lead singer with the purple spiky hair, but the ginger guitarist whose name happened to rhyme with the other guy’s. A classic case of mistaken internet identity. It had been hard to tell who was who from the moody black and white shots on their website. Still, we snogged in the doorway of the university building and he became my first boyfriend. We went out for three years, although this was interrupted by a haitus after he dumped me, again over Msn. It was at this point that the fifteen year old me realised that I was fed up with all the endless talking and decided to lose my virginity to someone whose only words to me had ever been, somewhat sweetly, ‘can I kiss you?’
***
I suppose you could say that my generation, meaning the people who are 25 now, were the first ever to use the internet as a way of mediating their love lives. But even when it’s what you’re used to, deciphering the internet ramblings of a teenage msn contact can start to feel counter-productive as soon as you realise that there’s a whole world of actual people out there. This realisation struck me properly at around the age of eighteen, and continued right through college. I actually started to become attracted to people on the basis of how small their internet footprint was. If I tried stalking them and there was barely any google trace of them at all, then come to mama. There was something genuinely exciting about having to work someone out in the real world without having to sift through pages and pages of statusy bullshit in which they tried to make witty remarks about current events which everyone knew they’d just taken from Have I Got News For You. Offline guys, meanwhile, were exciting and mysterious. I don’t think my French ex even really knew how to use a computer, to be honest.
The summer I was 22, I’d been seeing this Jewish guy who was over a decade older than me. He’d moved into my flat to replace my friend who, having given me Swine Flu and eaten all my food, had had to return to Mexico at short notice. He was a bit of a hippy so it never really occurred to me to look him up on the internet. I doubt there was even a paper trail, considering he once told me that every time the electricity got switched off for non-payment he’d simply up sticks and move house. I discovered the downside of all that supposed ‘mystery’ when I found out he had a secret baby and possible wife in the homeland. I was just about to move to Italy so had a convenient way out of the relationship, but sadly extricating myself wasn’t all that simple. This friend of his who worked for the Jewish Chronicle had been sleeping on his floor and had added me on Facebook. He seemed to be going through some kind of nervous breakdown at the time and kept sending me messages telling me that I was ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’. When these were not favourably received, he told me my ex not only had a wife but also had once tried Heroin and had shot a Palestinian child while on National Service in Israel. To this day I don’t know if this is true- it certainly didn’t match up with my picture of this guy, but I’m still haunted by it, for obvious reasons. I cut off all contact with the pair of them and the last I heard from my ex was when he sent me an angry hotmail about council tax in which he repeatedly referred to me as ‘baby.’ I vowed never again to add boyfriends’ friends on Facebook.
***
I met Michelangelo (not his real name) through a couch surfing website when I thought that I’d have nowhere to live in Italy. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there were no female hosts for that part of Italy on this website, so I had to wade through the profiles of slimy looking dudes for hours until I found one who didn’t look as though he’d jump on me while asleep. Michelangelo went to the same university I was due to attend and had a digital footprint to rival a thirteen year old girl’s. By the time I met this guy for a drink I had seen his Facebook, his Twitter, his personal website, and his Flckr and I had his msn, his whatsapp, his bbm and his phone number. Because of this he was unable to keep the fact that he was in an on-off relationship with someone a secret, although that didn’t stop us sleeping together, just the once, before I left for London for the Christmas holidays.
Michelangelo was a prime example of the obsession that you can cultivate for someone through instant messaging. He was manipulative enough to know that he could draw you in through regular communication before cutting you off completely for weeks at a time. Our non-relationship quasi friendship was one of the most tempestuous I’ve ever experienced, especially considering the fact that it was based around only two hours of sexual contact. I wrote a piece of short fiction about what a shit he’d been when I’d gone to visit him in hospital after his knee popped out of its socket, and deleted and re-added him from Facebook a grand total of five times over the course of a year before deciding to ‘X him’ on the basis of his being a misogynist at a party I was holding. Having ejected him from the house, I unfollowed him on Twitter, deleted him from facebook, skype, msn, bbm and whatsapp, removed his number from my phone, and never saw him again. Because his personality had been so carefully constructed around status updates and Instagram photos, it was as though by removing him he had never existed.
***
My current boyfriend likes to joke that we met on the internet, and I suppose if you did say that, then you wouldn’t exactly be lying. I answered a Gumtree ad for a room in his flat, and the rest, they say, is history. We courted one another over the kitchen table, mainlining bottle after bottle of cheap wine and slurrily delving into one another’s childhoods and romantic pasts. There was no internet detective work, not on my part anyway, as his Facebook profile revealed nothing except that he had been on a succession of trips around the world and seemed to have a nice line going in straw hats, but I was 100% sure that he’d never shot anyone or have a secret baby because I made a point of asking. When I had first moved into the flat, I was going on quite a lot of dates. My friend Willow (not her real name) and I had been internet dating, or at least, I had. Willow had stopped after an unfortunate incident in which she’d made her excuses and left a date early, picked up an Italian hairdresser off the street after he and his friends catcalled her, and was busy sitting on his lap and snogging him in a nearby pub when she looked up and locked eyes with the guy she’d met up with earlier. I, however, was still optimistic, and so had arranged to meet a local guy in a nearby pub. He seemed cool and I was into his internet hipster vibe. Unfortunately, two hours beforehand, my friend Kat turned up on the doorstep with a fag in her mouth and clutching two bottles of cheap Soave. By 7pm I was rapping along to Jay-Z while Kat pogoed next to me on the carpet. In other words, I was in no position to be going on a date.
And yet still I went, drunk and disorderly, off to meet this guy. I remember little of the date, except that I’m pretty sure we kissed. I also remember spending a lot of time on the phone while he just sat there. It was during a particularly long phone call that he got up and walked off. Convinced that he had left (because, let’s face it, who could blame him?) I staggered out of the pub and ran home (I had got into the habit of sprinting home whenever I’d had a few drinks). Just as I reached the door, the guy rang me:
‘Hey, where are you?’ he said, confused-sounding
‘You left!’ I yelled, outraged, ‘so I went home!’
‘I didn’t leave. I went for a slash. I was gone less than five minutes.’
Convinced that, as someone barely capable of leaving the house, let alone of behaving with anything approaching decorum, I was doomed to die alone, I immediately repaired to my bedroom where I proceeded to adopt the face-down starfish position on the carpet and sob wildly. That was, until I got the spins and had to run to the lav be sick.
My flatmate and future lover heard the cry-vomming from his room. It was pretty much his first ever encounter with his new flatmate. But it turns out Teenopendiary guy was right, after all: guys do love it when you lock yourself in the bathroom.
That was hilarious! I will now proceed to lock myself in the bathroom.
How i was helped by this great man called Dr Samura
I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this so i was married to halen sergey at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good no way he did not change so i was in pain every day don’t no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on i try to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called SAMURA he is a spirit man he can do it with in three days then i look an said okay i will try my best to contact him four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man call SAMURA i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have samura contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spirit he did it for me so quick so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don’t want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family so via email [email protected] or +2348103508204 he will do it for you as he did for me.
halen sergey
I don’t just know how to start am just short of word’s Due to the help of Dr ogudugu,This Dr ogudugu has brought back happiness into my life that i have lacked for year,My name is sharon Mark am from the United State of America,Am just so happy today and today has been the happiest day of my life and this happiness has brought me joy and am so happy,Because Dr Ogudugu brought back my lover kelvin into my arms without any delay,After my lover left me for good 2years,i was in deep pain and always thinking because i truly loved kelvin,Until a faithful day listen to the radio due to tiredness,Then in which i had a lady shouting in happiness about the great thing Dr ogudugu has done how Dr ogudugu brought back her lover back into her arms within 48hours,when i had that goodness i decided in contacting Dr ogudugu immediately,Because i was desperate in getting in touch with him,So i got in touch with him,Which then i told him my problem and he promised in bringing back kelvin back to my arms within 48hours,And then when i had that Kelvin would be back to my arms within 48hours i was so happy and waiting to feel Kelvin,And really Kelvin came into my arms within 48hours,Begging me for forgiveness,i was so happy when i saw Kelvin now my lover is fully back to my arms due to the help of this great man Dr ogudugu who has bought back happiness into our great country(USA)Please friend in need of help you don’t need to go far all you need to do is for you to kindly contact Dr ogudugu for help,Because he his trust worthy and straight forward,You can contact([email protected]) he said he can cast the following spell , such as, to bring back your love one,lost money,get rich,get go result,get good job,get good husband,build and buy a car. etc, just contact him and tell him what you need, i am so happy to advertise for him
This is BRILLIANT. My boyfriend was in a local band, we saw each other at grotty gigs but really got to know each other via a message board and MSN…that was 8 years ago and we’re still together. Hah!
Great read
wow this was a flippin excellent read !!! loved it!
Good God this is funny. Great work, as always! Off to go and listen to some Taking Back Sunday and revive my Myspace account…
Eve & Faye x
Oh, God, the memories that are flooding back now… not all welcome, unfortunately! Trying to blot out memories of the guy I was obsessed with from about 14-16 with the memory of teasing my now-husband about the fact he always wrote in Comic Sans, “the most loathsome font in the world”.
THE GREAT POWERFUL SPELL CASTER THAT
BRING BACK MY EX BOYFRIEND.
I just want to say thank you prophet ahmed for all you have done for me.
He is back now. That very powerful spell caster STOP THE DIVORCE – and get my ex boyfriend back.
My name is Joy Philip, from Canada. I never believed in love
spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went for a business summit
early this year. I meant a man who’s name is PROPHET AHMED
he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone,
lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or
luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to
marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down because our
relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was
against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster,i
told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At
first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try.And
in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend(now husband) called me by
himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his
mother and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I
didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my
boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now
and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and
our lives became much better.in case you are in any situation you can contact
prophet ahmed at his email [email protected] or his personal cell +2347053375151
Thank you for all your help prophet i promise to share this Testimony to every body in the world wide.
Good Day everybody, my names is NICHOLAS LINDA, am from the United State of America, i want to give thanks and honor to Dr. Taju for the great work he did for me, he brought my lover within 24 hours which i never taught it will ever come through in my life, but this great man Dr. Taju proved to me that powers can do wonders, i got his contact from a friend in the USA who he helped, this friend of mine told me that this man is great but i felt as hmm are you sure? cause i hardly believe those kind of things,so she told me not to worry that when i contact him, that she is guaranteeing me 100% that my lover will come back that if it does not work that sheS will be the one to give me back my money, to show her sincerity to me, she gave me her car that if it does not work that and she did not pay me the money that i spent that she i should collect her car and she gave me all the documents, i was so so surprised she was very serious about it so that was how i contacted him and i told him what i want he just told me that everything will be done within 24 hours so with the assurance my friend gave me i was having confident, so in the next 24 hours that he told me i just heard a knock on my door i never knew it was mark, so that was how i opened the door the first thing he did was to go on his knees, he started begging me to forgive him that he is very sorry for everything, i was really surprised and was also happy, so that was how i forgived him and now we are living together happily than ever before, and am using the media to invite my friends on my wedding which will coming up on 24/12/2013, am very happy thanks be to Lucy who gave me his contact and honor be onto Great DR. TAJU who helped a lot, if you need his help or you want to thank him for me you can contact him through [email protected] or cell number +2348113018013.
I am Mrs ANDERSON ANN from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Barry Morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Clara who en charm him with his beauty, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend Miss Rose and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Iyayi. who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss Rose ask me to contact Dr Iyayi. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness and that he never knew what came upon him that he will never leave me again or the kids.it was the spell that was casted on him that was working on him. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Iyayi on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact [email protected]. or contact him through his website address: http://driyayilovespellhome.webs.com He is the best spell caster. You can also contact him through his mobile number: +2348108978213
I have been through hell and pain,looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my boyfriend back.I have been scammed so many times,by some who claimed to be real spell casters.until i found the real and great spell caster (DR.OLOKUN) who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my boyfriend who left me since eight months ago.and after that i also took my friend along,who was also having the same problem concerning her husband,who left her since five months ago,and the problem was also solved by the same DR.OLOKUN. Cant you see! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact him when ever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now is here,and the best for you to solve your problems all thanks goes to [email protected] tel.+37067060228
I am Mrs ANDERSON ANN from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband Barry Morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Clara who en charm him with his beauty, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend Miss Rose and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Iyayi. who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss Rose ask me to contact Dr Iyayi. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness and that he never knew what came upon him that he will never leave me again or the kids.it was the spell that was casted on him that was working on him. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr.Iyayi on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact d[email protected]. or contact him through his website address: http://driyayilovespellhome.webs.com He is the best spell caster.