Dear members of Scunthorpe slags,

Right now I should be blogging about child prostitution for work, but my passion for stamping out slags in our society is distracting me. I need your help.

I keep seeing Facebook groups, like yours, devoted to identifying slags in a specific town or city. It seems like a great way to keep tabs on all the slags roaming about the country. I especially like the photos, because then everyone knows what the slags look like!

I also think it’s good that some of you tag the slag in the photo – they should know their secret is out. I read in my favourite newspaper that slags are using up all our NHS money by sitting in GUM clinics, so we need to make sure we name and shame them. I wouldn’t be averse to sending them all back to Slagstralia either.

However, I’m not really sure about the membership criteria. I’ve Googled it for hours and I just can’t find the selection process you use to include the slags on the page. I was wondering, therefore, if you might be able to clear up a couple of problems for me – they won’t require antibiotics.

Firstly, how do you define a slag? Now I’m not stupid, I looked on Urban Dictionary and the general gist is that they’ve have had sex with a lot of men. But it didn’t say how many men is a lot. Two? Ten? A hundred? If you can answer this I’ll be really grateful. I’ve also had trouble finding the length of a piece of string, so if you know that one too…

Also, is there a level to be reached at which you become a slag? Are you to come home after your fifth shag in a month/week/night, sit mum and dad down and announce: “I am now a slag. You shall henceforth address me only as Slagalicious”?

Or do you get to a certain number of new conquests and throw a Slag Party, to which you invite the people you’ve slept with over for cocktails and a slice of celebratory slag cake? Should they bring photos?

I really hope you can help, because this country is going to the slags dogs and I’ve had enough.

Yours,

Perplexed Lady, 22*, UK.

*Years of age, not number of vagina-invaders.

- AC