Confession. I’ve just watched a whole bunch of porn while my Dad was downstairs. Every now and again I could hear him shouting up above the moaning “do you want a cup of tea?” (yep, I watched the porn for long enough that more than one cup of tea was acceptable – and thank goodness, it was thirsty work). I’m happy to confess this as a (single) 26-year-old who moved back home a few months ago. Watching the porn felt naughty – but not in the sexy “let’s go shag up against a tree in my neighbour’s backyard” kind of naughty, more like “not only have I still not learnt to keep my room tidy, I am a terrible and disrespectful daughter” kind of naughty.
But it’s not all that bad. Truth be told, I was watching the porn at 4pm on a Wednesday afternoon because I was curious. That’s normal, right? Of course it is. But as arousal levels rose, and I moved from erotic to erotic-er, I had to check myself and question if it was actually pure intrigue. I realised that, as a gay girl watching straight porn with a look of disgruntled horror spread across my face, it was safe to say that it was just curiosity.
I watched all sorts: a casting in which the porn director took the auditioning girl for a “test ride” (and no, not in a car); a piano teacher who stood with her breasts so close to her young female pupil’s head that they had no option but to have sex – on the piano; a girl having far too many things put up her arse, including a fist and some kind of clamp. I even managed to fulfil one of my life goals set at the age of 15; to one day watch a Jenna Jameson porn vid, after catching sight of a picture of her at a house party. Imagine my surprise when this free-streaming porn site came up with the goods: a softly lit, beautifully accompanied by music, rather tasteful recording… set in the cockpit of a cruise ship and finishing with a shot of the ocean. Ahoy, be that an iceberg yonder?
The videos all captivated me for different reasons. How could they not when lines such as “I’ve made a little crater in your butt” came forth in abundance? My response would have been “wtf, why, what do you mean? I exfoliate that shit and now you’re telling me you’ve put a great big fucking crater in it?” so fair play to her for keeping calm. Top on my list, and “most viewed” on the site, was “Cutest Girls Cumshot Compilation #1″. Beautiful shots of girls climaxing, thought the gay voice in my head. Or… hundreds of beautiful girls getting their face splattered by men’s love juices. I can only assume that there is a lot of porn that ends with a good old “jizz to the face”. You can tell the girls loved it anyway; one went so far as to say “wow, it’s so warm” to show just how she adored it so. Just like having a warm bath, I bet.
My first thought: “quick, someone fetch her an eye bath – it’s in both of her eyes”. Simultaneously: “Assault! Assault! He’s aiming for the eyes with the intent to blind, or at the very least some pretty unpleasant conjunctivitis”. I sat through 11 minutes of semen-splattered faces. 11 awful minutes in which I finally realised that I was on the cusp of being turned on and I really didn’t want to be. I felt like a dissident who was being punished – by my own body, rather than a political regime. I’m not anti-porn, but my brain is against a man ejaculating onto a woman’s face (too many related ideas of female subordination at the hands of male sexual dominance, blah blah), while my sexual organs can’t seem to get enough. I always knew my vagina was out to get me.
Yet, ask my girl friends who let their fella come on their face if they love or even like semen, many will say no. Or perhaps more politely say, “I don’t mind it”, but then innocently mention how the room needs “freshening up a bit” after her man has offloaded. I can only imagine that for some girls, having semen propelled into their face might be about as desirable as bathing their skin in rancid milk. I’d be there with the rest of them, dousing myself in mouldy dairy produce, but my ladybits would still be awakened by the porn as they were all but an hour ago.
So, picture the scene. You’ve got men watching porn made for men. The well-known point need not be laboured, but – cue “lesbians” giving blow jobs to dildos, women gagging on cocks hitting the backs of their throats, women licking come off other women’s butts (vid #3 today), and generally your archetypal aggressive, can’t-sit-down-the-next-day, kinda sex. Then you’ve got women who like this porn because they like anything that gets their man off. Then you’ve got women watching this kind of porn to learn what men want so they too can try and like or do what men want. Then you’ve got women feeling awkwardly drawn to this porn, despite it crushing all of their sexual, ethical and moral standards – like me. And then – I imagine – you’ve got women who genuinely do like it.
So where does this leave us? A multitude of women (and men) complaining about the state of porn, how it degrades and distorts; yet many can’t get enough of it. How do we make the case for a much-needed change in porn culture if we’re still watching it – openly or on the sly with our dads downstairs in the kitchen doing an altogether different type of teabagging? Is it just for lack of a better option? Would we really do this stuff? I’d love to know what you think about porn.
Jacquelyn (@jacsgud) is part of the What I Think About Porn project. Follow the project and tweet your thoughts to @witaporn or visit whatithinkaboutporn.com to share your thoughts on the state of porn today.
I lost my virginity to my current, lovely boyfriend so I had no clue that men even wanted to come in girls’ faces, but now that I do: if anyone tried to come in my face i would be outta there SO fast…
I don’t like porn. I have no moral objection, as long as everyone involved is doing it of their own free will- have as much as you like. I just find it slightly depressing- If I am hungry I cook, then eat- if no food is to be had then I try to distract myself from hunger. I don’t read recipe books and watch Nigel Slater all night instead. It is all too artificial- and it doesn’t smell or sound like sex.. quite hard to capture smell on film but… nah- you keep it.
Oh- P.S … current lover eats a lot of fruit- he can put that stuff all over my face, and tongue- it tastes great!!
I have always felt a moral objection to porn. I have only ever watched it out of curiosity and come away horrified. There are studies that show porn makes men and women view women as sexual objects. It makes them more likely to believe rape myths and even to increase a teenage boys chances of raping someone in their lifetime.
I think it’s horrible that porn is often used as sex ed. I’m from the US, and I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve had that have done horrific things because their boyfriends told them they were “supposed to” because of porn. Men come on your face or expect you to gag on their cock without even asking. It’s awful to give head to someone and for them to grab your neck and choke you. It’s awful because you know that they are using you like a blow up doll to fulfill their porn fantasy.
Porn is harmful to men. Too much causes them to no longer find real women and sex a turn on.
The other big thing is how much rape is depicted in porn. I wish I was exaggerating. Go to any porn site and look at the most watched videos. At least one will be a faux rape or a video of a real, actual rape. Pornstars have stated that they are feminists for filming rape porn because “all women want to be raped at some point.”
That being said, porn has the potential to be non-harmful to both men and women. But that’s not how it’s being used now.
I quite like the idea of porn, although I have trouble with the current reality of the industry. I find it serves its purpose (long distance relationship here)
I just thought I’d pipe up with my view on cum on the face- I’m a fan, and find it a real turn on. Just goes to show that there’s no norm for what’s sexy and what isn’t, I guess.
Ha! I am also a gay woman and my first thought when I read “Cutest Girls Cumshot Compilation” was similar to yours, along the lines of ‘Awww, that’s so nice that men want to see videos of women coming, I guess they do care about womens pleasure.’
I’m one of those whose body betrays her/responds to very degrading porn, and immediately feels gross and clears her web browser once she’s finished. Blegh. Le sigh.
You’re not. I loathe it, find it dehumanising, and hate that it is so common place and accepted.
And yet my lala loves it….
Seems to me you were watching p*rn with an overriding sense of humour. Best way.
I feel that it is difficult to have an imagination about sex not thoroughly defined by the dominant male view. We grow up with that, we see, hear, and feel it everywhere, from everyday advertising to porn. We do not know if our imagination is similar or different, because the very language of the thing has come from men throughout history. How many years is it since women have been able to join the public discourse on sex, openly? 50, maybe?
Do you think you be a man, a feminist and still enjoy “Cutest Girl Cumshot Compilation”?
Serious question
Before I say anything else, let me state clearly that I know that there are serious issues surrounding both the porn industry and use of it. I understand this fully and strongly believe the production of porn and distribution (in terms of both content and the age of those that can access it) needs to be much more strictly regulated. Big issues, that I don’t have solutions for.
But, even knowing this, I actually quite like porn. Obviously not all videos, horses for courses and all that. But occasionally, yes. It was actually me who asked if we could watch porn with my first partner, because I was curious and even the idea of porn turns me on- the idea of having sex with a room full of people watching and filming is fairly erotic to me.
I also think it is possible to have a genuinely healthy relationship to porn (although obviously we more often hear about people who don’t, it’s possible this is simply because most people who are not addicted/ made to feel self conscious/ change the way they view sex probably don’t talk about it much!)
I have a healthy relationship with porn- I use it infrequently, occasionally alone, occasionally with partners. I find it tends to provide ideas for the ol’ wank bank later on too. I know that the images I’m seeing are not real, so for me there are no long lasting or deep reaching consequences. Just, ya know, a tingly feeling in the right places.
I like porn. I’m a submissive, I get turned on by degradation. My preferred flavour of degradation is not having my face splattered with jizz, but I understand why some people like it.
When I do kinky stuff in bed (or hanging from the pull-up bar, or… you get the idea) I’m playing at getting dominated and my partner is playing at dominating me. He’s doing it because we both love it, and at the tiniest hint of me not loving it, he’ll stop, drop character, and check if I’m ok.
I really enjoy watching other people having the same kind of fun. I do worry that, because performers get paid, because it’s their job, they’ll end up doing things that they don’t really want to, and have a bad experience, and I sure as hell don’t want to watch that. I get my porn from Kink.com, and only after researching them thoroughly. They really are careful to make sure their performers have a good time – I would expect no less from anyone engaging in BDSM, frankly. Kinky sex is a risky activity, but you do everything you can to minimise the risk, and then you have a fantastic time. If it’s your thing.
Thoughts from another feminist sub: http://afeministsub.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/its-a-feminist-submissive-thing/
Kink.com’s shooting rules ***content warning: explicit descriptions of an awful lot of kinky shit, permitted and not permitted.*** There are no pictures on that page, but it’s a porn site, so NSFW, obviously. http://www.kink.com/k/shooting_rules.jsp?c=1
Porn debases women. It deminishes our sensuality, sexuality & humanity. If women made porn debasing men & rammed it down their throats, I wonder how they’d feel? We’re visual animals & sexual images report to our genitals. We all have orgasms, it’s nothing new. Porn’s needed by some to trigger a spark in a lacking imagination. If sexuality was openly discussed before puberty perhaps, eventually, we could change the fascination with porn, or at least the fundamental, violent nature of it.
We should tell our partners what we want from sex.Real sex ,like the kind you have with someone you like and don’t want to hurt or embarrass.All the rape scenario ,multi cum ,anal etc stuff online should just stay in porn land,so we can look at it ,masturbate to it,get ideas ,and give it a try if you like . I am fine with porn ,but it doesn’t mean I want to do what they do on screen. I don’t confuse it with real life.I met a guy a few years ago who wanted me to let him cum on my face and other (mostly) anal related stuff he had watched online. He was good looking ,very athletic ,extremely fit. After a bit of experimention I decided it wasn’t satisfying for me .The main problem was that he could hardly get it up or keep it up. I actually I became so sexually frustrated ,I screamed at him in bed and said that’s it I don’t want to see you again.He was mortified,and admitted he would watch porn 3 or more times a day and was used to coming that way.I gave him another chance.It took a few months ,and some lessons in basic skin on skin sex .Well here I am 3 years later ,in love and lust with the same man ,who has drastically reduced his porn usage,which sorted out his floppy issues (thank god)and has learnt that sex with a real person is brilliant.We are both satisfied and I know he is very grateful ,he told me he feels he is “back in the land of the living “.I think there are a lot of men and boys and maybe women and girls out there who use porn as a replacement for real life sex and relationships.Speak up ,talk about sex ,tell our kids to talk about it too,so that hopefully we won’t see a generation of very lonely porn addicts and pissed off frustrated women.
The porn industry caters very well to my sexual preferences – I was fantasising about cum in my face before I had even encountered any, and I don’t feel at all bad about it. There is no conflict between being a feminist and enjoying a bit of (consensual) degradation.
Moreover, I don’t think there is anything inherently degrading about the sort of sexual acts people are using as examples of bad “porn land” behaviour (e.g. anal, deepthroating). Having a cock forced down your throat because “porn made me do it” does not mean there is something wrong with porn – it means the person doing it is a waste of space. I like to incorporate things I’ve seen in porn into my own sex life, but only after sharing my discovery with my partner and finding out if he’s into it too.
I do wonder if I am not that much of an anomaly. Perhaps more women do enjoy mainstream porn than public discussion would suggest, but fear being labelled traitors to the cause.
It’s good to hear other opinions about this, I didn’t know how to feel when my ex used to repeatedly ask to cum on my face, I’d say no. And the fact that degrading me would turn him on made me feel unequal to him. I like porn but hate this side of it. Would he find cumming on my face a turn on if porn didn’t indicate so strongly that it should be? If so then I wouldn’t mind him doing it, but it guess we’ll never know. like others said, porn teaches even the nicest of blokes that degrading woman is hot. And pushing your head down during a bj so you gag is acceptable (I had a major strop over that.. He never did it again) kinda glad this guy is my ex!
I find porn boring. Watching men flip women around in all kinds of positions without asking a single question (yeah because they like just “know”), the oral sex scenes are usually first and the men are so bad, and so fricken ugly that I can’t even perv on anything decent while they give: The. Worst. Oral. Sex. Ever. Then the women suck the guys off, and then the guy has sex with the woman who is trying to look like she’s enjoying it, but I find she looks like she’s just doing a big shit. Finally he pulls out and cums on her face and she says “I love it” or something totally unconvincing but her eyes are like totally red, or she can’t open them properly. Mmmm acid burns to the eyes are totally hot. Not. So change up the actors, and you’ve got my experiences of heterosexual porn. I’ve seen women on women, but, it’s for the male gaze so they typically do a bad job of looking convincing. I tried gay man porn because who wouldn’t love twice as much cock, but I found it follows the usual straight port type power relationship where it’s one guy who’s dom and sucks at sex and another who’s sub and sucks as looking like they’re not in pain or not taking a shit.
that’s my two cents.
I am a feminist that is pro porn and pro sex working because I believe this is women’s work and like a lot of work environments things could be greatly improved. There are people in our society who for varied reasons can not have sex (on a permanent or temporary basis) and we should get over policing this. I have watched porn and porn like material which includes underwear sections of catalogues since I was about nine but even after exploring my nether regions for many years did not achieve an orgasm till I was twenty-four which I think is the greater crime and if what my daughter says is true they only discuss male masturbation and not female in schools. This is more shocking to me than porn being watched by adolescents. Porn is a reflection of who we are and if we were for example less sexist porn would still exist but it would present in a different manner.
As a director of adult films, it’s not surprising that I’m or the sex-positive and pro-porn mindset. But I have to admit, Jacquelyn, that my first experiences of porn were much like yours … my vagina was out to get me. Why was I getting turned on by these images (which were pretty rough and which I’d never fantasized about before), when my brain saw nothing but problems. Fake pleasure, chauvinist fantasies, terrible scenarios, stereotypes galore, horrendous film quality and of course the athletic sex.
In response to your closing questions, I am sure there are women who love mainstream porn and that is great. But I also think (as your any my experiences attest) that there are many women who got a glimpse of this kind of porn and the body/mind disconnect was just too uncomfortable. This is why there needs to be better porn, created by a variety of people (not just hetero men), and showcasing a broad range of performers + fantasies. The genre ‘feminist porn’ does a great job of ticking those boxes for anyone who’s interested in something different!