Good evening, fellow Grazis! I know you missed me. Welcome to the latest edition of Grazia’s ten hot stories this week, regurgitated for your consumptive ease:

1. Angelina Jolie finally gets her dream wedding after stubborn Brad proposes. What’s all this shit about principles and not getting married until it’s fair for everyone in America? Read between the lines, ladies: meanie Brad has been depriving Angie of her fluffy dream princess wedding for too long, and has finally relented.

2. SHOES. WEAR MORE OF THEM. One of the recommended buys is a £550 Christian Louboutin called the ‘Intern’, which speaks volumes about who can actually afford to be an intern in this generation’s economy. ‘You should look smart and preppy; not as if you’ve nipped to the newsagents in your sloppy joes!’ warns Mama Grazia. Can’t comprise an eloquent response because I’m choking on all the Fulham-flavoured vom in my mouth.

3. An assorted bunch of women react to being shagged by Simon Cowell, and journalist Louise Gannon offers compelling evidence for why women should stop moaning about being judged on their sexiness rather than their talent in the workplace: ‘A few months ago, he told me he gave Amanda Holden the BGT job because “I fancied her.” Are her sensibilities offended? Are they hell.’

4. BAGS. BUY MORE OF THEM. With the lowest priced bag here coming in at £937.50 in a magazine that attempts to drive in readers by advertising how it’s now only £1, they may be barking up the wrong tree. But if you stop eating food (probably a good idea), you could probably afford it in a few months’ time.

5. Other women wearing skimpy clothes at festivals. Emulate them.

6. A boy-man called ‘Arg’ from TOWIE has had a ‘man-over’, leaving him ‘3st lighter and a whole lot happier.’ Other things that will make you happier: veneers, Cartier sunglasses, a Cartier watch, waxing, fake tan, manicures and pedicures. And since you’re a woman, you probably should step it up a notch. If Arg can do it…

7. Token ‘moral’ piece on Syrian children

8. ‘Ashton adds Mila to ‘just good friends’ list.’ Standard piece on how over-emotional woman gets downgraded by blasé man.

9. New film comes out about women and jewellery. WATCH IT, it has a tenuous connection to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Yum.

10. Katy Perry dates someone. And he’s British. Like YOU.

And if you didn’t already get that your life should be about pimping out your boyfriend, crying when he doesn’t like it, and then demanding marriage, ‘This Week’s Up and Downs’ are here to remind you with:

Up – ‘manity’ – making men get waxes and manicures. DRAG THEM IN TO YOUR MISERY TOO
Up – bridal wear in Topshop
Up – more foundation by Yves St Laurent
Down – Botox. So last decade (for this decade, see the feature on ‘drip diets’)
Down – social networking. Takes way too much time away from wedding planning and waxing your boyfriend’s taint

Oh, and by the way, there’s a feature on the ‘latest new controversial diet’, which involves inserting a drip in your nose for 10 days. Which is really effective. But they don’t want you to get, honestly. But is available in London if you want it, at a specified price. And a lot of the women who get it are brides-to-be trying to fit in to the wedding dress you could probably buy at Topshop, inspired by Angie. But still. They don’t want to publicise that or anything. No, they don’t want you to get that shit at all.